Basic Tips for Being Human While Recovering from Post-Traumatic Stress: I Wish I Knew Sooner

I Wish I Knew Sooner

Neglect and abuse generally don’t teach us fantastic things about paying attention to our bodies. We’re so concerned with survival, flying under the radar or canvasing our environment that we can become experts in reacting but are  ill at ease and even when we are no longer in danger.

For years I have woken up suited in defensive skin as though in a martial arts pose and ready to fight off the world. I’ve been ready for assholes and intruders. And if you look for them you shall find them….

Naturally, this made for tense shoulders. I was looking for hostility and violence even when I wasn’t living with any. I also missed out on a lot of the safe, calm and kind people. This takes a toll. And makes you prone to picking fights.

It requires some effort and practice to walk in the world with an air of buoyant fluidity, feeling more curious than on guard. You might not notice how hard-wired you are for flight or fight until you notice how you startle easily or that your shoulder blades are in the neck of your turtle neck.

I’ve had bruised legs for all time because I have refused to turn on lights at night or look where I am going or move furniture so that it’s not in my way instead of feeling like I’m in the way of it (as in apologizing to the coffee table for bumping it).

I climb and crawl around things, walk on top of or work my way around.

I’ll even find myself on the floor rather than wake my cats who are sleeping on me. It feels mean to move them even when it’s a gentle repositioning and does not involving flinging them across the room. Still, I wonder, do my legs really need to stretch or could I just go on the floor when they are so happy and purring?

 So, if things like that baffle you as well you might learn one or two things from my Basic Tips for Being Human: 

1.  Breathing is not optional. Holding your breath all of the time doesn’t impress anyone like it did when we were kids and you might be able to stay under water the longest.
2. Green leafy things are good for you. And protein. And a multivitamin. And complex carbs. Doing without any of those, for me, as well as fish oil generally doesn’t mix well with post-traumatic stress symptoms. Oh, and boxed mashed potatoes are not a vegetable.
3. Try not to mainline espresso at least during anxiety attacks. I switched to instant because I couldn’t stop drinking 3 cups a day but now they have half as much caffeine.
4. Pee when your bladder is full. You don’t get prizes for holding it but you might get an infection. Maybe staying in bed kept us safer at night as children. And maybe that’s why I sleep face down with arms under my belly and legs crossed. However, if you are actually safe now tell your body. Respond to your cues.
5. Toxic people sometimes need to be cut from your life. It’s not mean. Think of it as deadheading a plant so the stem has strength for the new blossoms. Don’t let the toxins take down the entire plant. Especially if you are the plant.
6. Things like yoga, meditation or guided imagery might make other people sedated. Not you. You need some daily practice where you remember that your head is held up by a body and that the more you inhabit it the BETTER you will feel. I know that’s still hard for me to believe too but I’ve got enough time in on this one to tell you I KNOW it is true.Try just taking your shoes off and pressing your feet into the floor. If you are like me and many trauma survivors when you sit your feet don’t touch the ground at all or only at the tips. Try to place them both all of the way down. You don’t need to be ready to sprint so get out of poised to run like hell position.
7. There’s no such thing as too much laughter assuming you are sober and it’s not that back-slapping fake crap. Seriously, have a friend or hobby that makes you laugh – hit replay on that forever. It will prevent years of expensive therapy and is way more attractive than frown lines.
8. You will not heal faster and harder by never taking a break. This was a shocker for me as well. I promise source of all healing is a big fan of joy, passion, genuine connections and adventure.
9. Therapy is fabulous… until it’s not. Trust yourself as to when you need it, how often and if you need pills, a shrink, body work, herbs, a healer or a yoga class as well. I call therapy my paid parenting. It’s where I can go so I don’t wear out all the people who are in my life for free and by choice. However, there are other times you really can trust that you are doing fine if you are.  If you love therapy and can afford it, go often and without guilt. You deserve support. Get it where you can. Write down the gems of insight that have changed you. Keep them in a special little guru journal because chances are these golden one-liners will continue to soothe and comfort you. Go retrieve them when you are feeling shaky. Sometimes that, or a book of good quotes a musical mix or a friend or lover is what also works. Ask your therapist if she/he has a pre-pay frequent user discount card. Not really. It would be nice though wouldn’t it. I try not to think of all I could have done instead with therapy money or even co-pays… mental health is priceless… blah. blah. blah.
10. Do not get advice from anyone you don’t respect.

• No dental work from people with gum disease.
• No parenting advice from child abusers.
• No relationship advice from people with horrible relationships.
• No money advice from people frequently bankrupt.
• For health advice, find healthy people.
• For money advice, find people who share your definition of “rich” and aren’t in debt stress.
• For happiness advice, find people who a life more difficult than yours who have achieved peace and found meaning. Ask them how or just observe their habits. They really do exist.

I’ve wasted a lot of time letting the thoughts, opinion or advice of people I don’t even like, respect or want to be anything like get inside my heart and head. Those things others call boundaries are about wrapping yourself up in some protection from the words or comments of others who you didn’t invite in. If they cross a line you are not only entitled, but obligated to show them to the other side of it.

And if you have any strategies for living well with post-traumatic stress or a few “What I Wished I Knew Sooner” insights, please comment or email them.