How to Parent When You Were Raised in Hell

Dan Siegel, If I Had Bad Parents Will I Be a Bad Parent Too?

Parenting can be terrifying.  We know how much power we have as parents and how the influence parenting has is lifelong. We don’t always feel entitled to be worthy of that much influence.  But what is more motivating than mothering? For me, nothing.

Honestly, if I was not a mother I might have chosen to remain emotionally numb and been a money-maker business person or followed toxic love to my grave. Learning to open my heart and keep it open has been wonderful and grueling. It has not been a smooth ride. Maybe, if I wasn’t a parent, I might have avoided sex, intimacy and working through trust issues for my entire life. Perhaps I would have been a loner or an accomplished academic. Maybe I would have been a bed hopping boozer or celibate for life. I’m sure I wouldn’t have been living my soul mission but I might not have cared.

I like to think I would have decided to keep working at breaking the cycle of abuse but I may have given up or in or faked it. I really don’t know. When triggers come up and I’m post-traumatically stressed out I can’t swear I wouldn’t have looked for easier and less painful solutions if I didn’t know my daughter is watching me and relies on me. Even knowing that I have made mistakes.

But it also means that every hour, tear and dollar spent on making sense of the past is a meaningful investment. It’s not just my daughter who benefits but I benefit as well. It’s not just my relationship with my daughter that will get stronger but her relationship with herself and mine with me. But it’s constant work and paying attention.

Just this morning I was reading Parenting from the Inside Out. I wrote down the following, from page 89:

Collaborative Communication

PROCESSES OF COMMUNICATION

Receive – Process – Respond

PATHWAYS TO COLLABORATION

Explore – Understand – Join

PATHWAYS TO DISCONNECTION

Interrogate -Judge – Fix

My honest response was guilt. It was like an “Ah Hah” moment with an “Oh No.” As soon as I read it I saw myself and not in the exploring and understanding. When it comes to my daughter expressing needs and especially wishes for more technology or “stuff” my buttons get pushed.

The author talks about how many parents shame kids for their desires instead of saying, “You really like to paly a lot of games. And no,” we might say, “You have so much already. I didn’t half of that when I was a kid. You just got forty-nine things yesterday. Should I take away one of those?”

I’m not saying limit setting is bad but when I react in a way that shames because I’m afraid my kid will be an entitled brat and I’m also thinking, “You don’t know how lucky you are, how little we had, how much you have, how much you get, blah blah blah,” it’s not usually coming from a calm, centered and happy place. I don’t scream or hit. I don’t ridicule. But I do shame in the form of trying to “fix” and “interrogate” and “judge.” It’s hard to say that but it’s true. I cringed when I read the page and I cringe as I type it.

But really, this IS THE POINT OF CONTINUED HEALING. I folded the page to put it on my fridge to remind me that I can keep doing those things that I have done but they will lead to disconnecting. It’s not like I don’t know this. But when I’m stressed I can still forget. I’m going to beat the hell out of myself and go buy her stuff because I feel so guilty. That won’t help. But I can realize, “Oh, I do that. That was done to me. And it was probably done to my mother. And I’ve done a lot of good work but I’ve got more to do.”

So the healing is constant but this kind of healing is fruitful and hopeful and productive and makes change. I have a daughter who isn’t afraid to ask for stuff. That’s good. She isn’t the only kid at school without lunch or lunch money feeling bad about it and unable to say or do anything. Yay. She won’t get hit, slapped, screamed at no matter what mood I’m in. Progress. But there are times my buttons get pushed and I don’t like how I’m mothering.

I don’t think ANYONE chooses to parent poorly. What I mean is that I think MOST people are exhausted, depressed, depleted and don’t know there are other options. Or they are troubled, addicted, in crisis and without resources. They are exhausted by trying to hold it together with the food and housing and emotional safety and issues seem luxurious. There are some people who neglect and abuse and derive pleasure from doing so but I think that number is pretty small. I really do believe that saying that when you know better you do better. There are some people who are good to themselves and bad to others. The vast majority who are miserable to others are pretty miserable people and miserable to themselves as well. they aren’t the ones you want to go to for advice, mirroring or modeling.

But I digress. Healing is ongoing. The more of it we do, the stronger are relationships can become. It would be lovely to arrive to adulthood with no need for healing. It would be nice if only minimal amounts were needed. When there’s sexual abuse, physical abuse, addiction, neglect and abandonment there’s probably going to be a good deal to be done through the life cycle. Or maybe I’m just a slow learner. But it’s worthy work.

Healing improve relationships.

The relationships we have with our children

The relationship we have with ourselves

The relationship skills our children get which will impact the relationships they have with themselves and others.

The relationships we have with other adults at work, in love and in friendship. It’s change the world for the better stuff not self-absorbed belly gazing. 

I am never going to be able to lean into memory or history when it comes to parenting. My mother was a teenager when she had children and her childhood was no healthier than my own. Studying people and books and reading basic information about emotions and attachment has been essential to me. It is possible to learn how to give love in ways that feel loving to the person receiving it. I’m so grateful for that.

Dan Siegel’s work is hopeful and instructive. On page 1, he says, “your early experiences do not determine your fate. If you had a difficult childhood but have come to make sense of those experiences, you are not bound to re-create the same negative interactions with your own children. Without such self-understanding, however, science has shown that history will likely repeat itself, as negative patterns of family interactions are passed down through generations.”

On page 4, he says, “Research has clearly demonstrated that our children’s attachment to us will be influenced by what happened to us when we were young if we do not come to process and understand those experiences.”

We can support and encourage each other to keep learning and to stay open and present. Hopefully, the work we do will make life better for our children and theirs and so on. Healing, though hard, is paying it forward. link to his work here:

http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/blogs/if-i-had-bad-parents-will-i-be-bad-parent-too-0