If it seems women like me don’t have a lot of patience for listening to how men think, feel and talk about rape it’s because, well…. it’s true.
Listening to men talk about a topic you have experienced at least as much as them, if not more, say menstrual cramps, labor pains and hot flashes can be tiresome.
It’s not because women are unkind, impatient and cold-hearted. It’s not because we don’t realize some of men’s best friends are women.
It’s because, as the Boston Area Rape Crisis website says:
“Rape is not miscommunication. It is a crime.”
Women are usually the victims of this crime. Men are usually the perpetrators of this crime. 99 percent of the time, it is women who are victims/survivors of rape. 85 percent to 99 percent of the time men commit the crime of rape.
Some issues are gendered. Rape is one of them. And so, in large part, are our reactions. To some, rape is a conversation.
I don’t, of course, speak for all women.
So for myself, I say, that how men feel in or about conversations about rape is not high on my priority list. I don’t even think it’s close to important when addressing the reality of rape. Not compared with staying safe.
Women are disproportionately injured by this act of violence—and almost always—by men.
One percent of the time, it is men who are victimized by rape. That is 100 percent horrible. Rape is always a crime.
The vast majority of rapists are male.
The vast majority of humans who are raped are female.
This is why, I believe, the gender divide is so vast when it comes to the ways men and women think, feel and experience the violence of rape.
I think it’s why, when comedian Sarah Silverman re-Tweeted Ten Rape Prevention Tips a few months back it went viral. It was satire but it hit a nerve. However, it wasn’t the same nerve that got hit by everyone. Many women loved it. Many men were offended by it. Many women saw it as putting responsibility entirely on men not to rape women, rather than women being advised how not to get raped.
Men wrote on Twitter that they felt it implied she was saying all men are potential rapists.
All men are not potential rapists. Does this really need to be said? Men are disproportionately the gender that rapes. That’s true. Gender matters. That’s true. This is not male bashing to say.
Race is significant as well.
According to the Rape and Incest National Network, the percentage of women raped (or attempted to be raped) varies some to make up the one in six women statistic many of us have heard:
- 34.1 percent of all American Indian/Alaskan women have been raped (or attempted to be raped)
- 24.4 percent of mixed race women have been raped (or attempted to be raped)
- 18.8 percent of Black women have been raped (or attempted to be raped)
- 17.7 percent of White women have been raped (or attempted to be raped)
- 6.8 percent Asian Pacific Islander women have been raped (or attempted to be raped)
Each statistic is staggering, alarming and terrifying.
It’s mind boggling to see the percentages of women who have survived rape or attempted rape.
Race and gender impact some human experiences. This is not racist or sexist to acknowledge.
When it comes to rape, we women don’t see ourselves as hosting the conversation party as is implied in the title of the article by Elephant Journal founder Waylon Lewis, entitled: How (not to) Bring Men into the Conversation about Rape.
Many of us see ourselves as threatened, unsafe and with experiences of violence which are life-threatening and altering.
From the female perspective, women are not hosting a rape conversation. From the female perspective it can seem some men are having a SuperBowl rape event and women are too often forced to be the half time show.
I realize this makes me sound angry.
I am angry.
And like a feminist.
Guilty again.
My anger does impact my ability to be generous with and compassionate toward men who venture into the rape conversation.
Why?
Because I don’t want to waste precious life-force energy worrying about being raped or recovering from rape. I don’t want to live in fear that my daughter, sister, mothers and friends will be raped or raped again. I don’t want men to be raped either.
I’m tired of seeing loved ones shattered by this crime. I’m tired of rapists doing the shattering.
Half of women raped will suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder. Rates of depression, alcohol and drug abuse and suicide go up after rape.
This is why many of us don’t want to have conversations about rape. We just want men to stop raping women and other men. Not all men—the men who rape.
And yes, of course, for the women who rape to stop raping as well.
Sometimes it feels like men act as though women need invite them to the rape conversation and if we’re not nicer they’ll just not come anymore. Sometimes I resent feeling women are responsible for the tone of the rape conversation. Even with people I really respect or admire or write for.
Women are not waving cheerleader banners for good effort or giving thumbs up likes to men “brave” enough to think out loud about rape.
There’s a reason. We are busy.
We’re in martial arts, or self-defense or reaching for pepper spray or going to a yoga class for sexual assault survivors. We’re turning down jobs where we don’t feel safe traveling and doing therapy for post-traumatic stress.
We’re not triggered or oversensitive or failing to appreciate gentle-souled men.
We’re sick of being raped, recovering from rape, worrying about being raped, supporting others who have been raped, preventing rape and writing articles to trying to educate others about rape.
I know elephant journal isn’t exactly known as a feminist press. I don’t agree with everyone here and have strong reactions even to Waylon’s writing and his video touching on the topic. But I love elephant journal because writers and humans can express widely dissenting views, if well-written, factual and vetted through the editorial department. That’s pretty amazing.
But rape isn’t a conversation. It’s a one-sided monologue almost always spoken by a man who is silencing a woman or another man.
Maybe we need to keep having conversations? I’m honestly no longer sure. I’m honestly tired of talking. It’s not like a lot new needs to be discovered about rape. It needs to stop.
You Matter Mantras
- Trauma sucks. You don't.
- Write to express not to impress.
- It's not trauma informed if it's not informed by trauma survivors.
- Breathing isn't optional.
You Are Invited Too & To:
- Heal Write Now on Facebook
- Parenting with ACEs at the ACEsConectionNetwork
- The #FacesOfPTSD campaign.
- When I'm not post-traumatically pissed or stressed I try to Twitter, Instagram & Pinterest.
As a male survivor of a female rapist (wasn’t even considered a crime when and where it happened), I don’t need permission to have an opinion and a voice. I’ve spent the better part of the last 10 years advocating as both a survivor, public policy working group member, non-profit board member, public speaker and rape crisis worker. As someone who is a stakeholder in sexual violence discussions, I did not “venture into the rape conversation”. I am part of the conversation by default of my own experiences and unwillingness to sit quietly in the corner like a child. I have as much a right to a voice as any other survivor. I spent 18 years in the dark hearing “men don’t get raped”, “women don’t rape”, having stats that don’t even count my experience as rape used to invalidate said experience, told in breathless tones that “it isn’t bad for you because you can’t get pregnant” and a plethora of other excuses, denials and victim-blaming bullshit from across the spectrum of gender and ideology.
Male survivors involved in sexual violence advocacy work don’t need women “waving cheerleader banners for good effort or giving thumbs up”. That trivializes the efforts that so many male survivors have contributed to this work, the networks we’ve been building, even while being told we don’t exist and until recently, not even being counted in most official stats by the Department of Justice and other data models built off their numbers. It mocks our own struggle and laughs in the faces of those of us who took our own lives when we couldn’t cope with both the shame of what happened that damned near universal mockery of our experiences by men AND women alike. It trivializes and denies our experiences in the face of outright hostility and even denial that men can be raped – quite often from second-wave, western, white feminists.
I lived it and earned the right to a fucking opinion and a voice. How exactly does trivializing that or expecting silence based solely on gender = feminism? I can’t puzzle that out.
James:
I’m sorry for the horrible comments that have been said to you trivializing and minimizing your experiences. Men (and women) do get raped and by women as well as men. That’s true. I’m sorry this was your experience. Sadly, it’s one I share. I was molested by a woman as well as men. I’m glad that the Department of Justice is finally including statistics that are more comprehensive. Thanks for your efforts doing sexual violence advocacy work. I stand by what I wrote in the original post and also am glad you wrote. I’ll continue to think about your words.
Cissy