The Trauma Whisperer: Send Me Your Questions

If you are a trauma survivor stumped by a dumb-ass question or don’t know how to respond to some trauma-ignorant comment, send it here. I’ll do my best to provide a little research as well as a sarcastic and serious response option. You can remain anonymous or not and invite others to give you a response.

Sample:

Q) Why does it take so long to heal?

Because I had my first sexual experience before second grade and it wasn’t consensual. Anything else?

Seriously though, there are many reasons why healing can be life long. Having children is one. They are very triggering creatures and this may be shocking but parenting a child can remind you of being a child. I know – WTF?

A few other reasons.

1. Trauma gets stored in the body and so it’s not a matter of thinking differently about the past while enjoying the present. Present-day events act as triggers and those triggers aren’t limited to one or two avoidable things. Triggers might be anything that makes one feel helpless such as big life changes, transitions, medical issues and even dentist appointments. Plus, if the trauma was interpersonal (domestic violence, child abuse, rape) relationships, sex, trust and family can all be laden with unexpected intensity and emotion (the way people revert to childhood roles and feelings when they go home even though they are fifty).
2. There are two types of memory, implicit and explicit and implicit memory is pre-verbal and stored in a part of the brain that can’t access it through words. Symptoms of trauma and events that happened before the age of 18 mos. can be stored there and impact behavior in ways having nothing to do with conscious choices or memory. For example, I have been able to get over a divorce, in a “normal” time span but have childhood traumas still “stuck” and causing symptoms even though the divorce was much more recent. It’s not intuitive or rational or literal. In other words, the thing about trauma is it’s trauma-ish and trauma-esque or it would just be a non-traumatic thing.
3. Overwhelming experiences are not easy for any human to manage. It’s not just you. The next time someone asks you why it takes so long to heal ask if they get sea sick. If yes, take them on a boat and ask why they aren’t enjoying the whales while they are puking over the side of the boat. Tell them, it’s kind of like that. If they don’t get sea sick ask if they’ve ever lost control of the car in a snow storm. If so, ask them to imagine practicing guided imagery while the car is spinning and they are waiting to see if they will crash or not. It’s hard to focus on your happy place when the adrenalin is working hard to keep you alive. That too would be a response.

Generally, dumb-ass questions come from people who aren’t looking for answers. Usually, there is an agenda and it’s a judgment, accusation or interrogation guised as inquiry. Don’t fall for it.

If someone wants to know why it takes so long to heal, really and truly, they can Google PTSD, buy a book or Ask Jeeves.

But, if this is that 1 in 100 case and someone really wants to know and you really need to tell them, just parcel out bits of information that make you feel vulnerable. See how it goes sharing one thing or two and wait. If they are loving and care about you, taking time to have this conversation won’t be an issue. Don’t expose more than feels comfortable for you.

Talking about memoires or specifics having to do with trauma usually isn’t fun or easy for trauma survivors so be selective about if, when and how you share. Your intuition is a fabulous guide about what, where and who is safe. Trust yourself.

And, while I like to think of what I wish I could say in response to rude or insensitive questions, for an openhearted conversation I would not actually say most of this. But sometimes, just sometimes, how I wish I could. And here we can.

So, if you want to share a question or response, comment on the blog, on facebook or send an email.