The Conversation I’m Avoiding Having – A Laura Davis Writing Prompt

July 28, 2015 · by · Leave a Comment
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So I was over on the Laura Davis website doing her weekly online prompt because it’s Tuesday. Each Tuesday she gives everyone a writing prompt and I don’t know how but finds a way to do so but she responds to each and every one who writes.

It’s lovely to be a part of a community created by someone so wise and compassionate and devoted to writing. She’s also an abuse survivor though not everyone there is but it makes for a safe to share on that stuff environment.

That said, I didn’t share or write on that topic at all today.  Here was the topic she gave us and my response. Her prompt/writing invite.リビングイメージ

“The courageous conversation is the one you don’t want to have.”

–David Whyte

Tell me about a conversation you don’t want to have. Then tell me whether or not you think you’ll ever have it and why.

The conversation I don’t want to have is with myself. I’ve been avoiding the heck out of me and here’s my tell. I’ve been turning journal entries into to-do lists, fretting over money and things, obsessively on the page which usually only has truth-serum honesty.

Not lately.

Lately, I’ve been avoiding the core where lists don’t work and it’s murky and damp and quiet and maybe even a little hollow or chilly.

The center where all feeling resides and there are expanses of sun and open grass and wildflowers too. I know that. But there’s also cloud cover and cold and the sun going down fast and me feeling unprepared for a night alone under the stars.

I keep making a camping packing list and never getting under the open sky.

Sometimes I don’t want to be that alone with myself.

Now is one of those times.truth

I don’t want to be that still and quiet. And yet, I also don’t deeply connect with others when I’m here.

I spent a lot of years craving more alone time thinking it was all my life lacked. Now that I have more freedom to carve out time for yoga or friends or long conversations I realize how often I choose mundane tasks instead.

I often feel “on” but not at ease and at rest.

I avoid the “off” version of myself with stunning regularity. Before I controlled my own schedule I thought my life was truly just so busy.

For decades at a time.

I am so busy.

Sure, some of it is really busy. I’m a single mother with two cats, a dog and a home.

But also – I make myself busy the way my cousin does. I see it in her who is busy no matter how empty or full her emotional life or actual schedule. She’s driven and plugged in and on the go.

I worry that I’ve taught and modeled this, that I put on roller skates before hopping onto the hamster wheel and then I complain of not feeling grounded.

“This habit,” I said to her, hoping to spare her, “of constantly going and doing won’t fix itself.”543886_10200854114945949_847138566_n

She’s not yet 30. I’m close to 50. It started for me in my teens, when on my 16th birthday I didn’t feel accomplished enough for being so old and had the same feeling on my 18th, 25th and 29th and 40th.

It’s not the years it’s the me.

Life never really slows and I told her that. I realized as I said it that I’m not sure I’ve really heard myself.

“The key is to her is to learn to stop blowing yourself off. The trick though is learning how. Like who can help me find the key when I’ve lost it?”

I’m in no position to give advice but I gave it anyway.

My friend Kathy says it’s all one word – “practices.”

She builds in practices that catch her when she goes off track – yoga and writing. She said it’s not that she stops being cray-cray but she can’t pretend or ignore herself for so long so things don’t get buried or act up and out.

sea glass seaglass with ocean , beach and seascapeI haven’t done the solid and non-negotiable practice thing yet – except with writing. And even with that I’ve got ways to avoid.

I’m no martyr. This isn’t a ploy for pity – it’s more of a confession I hope my deepest self hears me say.

And an apology.

To myself. I thought I was too cautious, a person with one foot always on the brake, riding and slowing. Actually, one foot is always on the motor, revving and I don’t know how to press down full throttle or stop completely and turn the car off.

I signed up for a meditation class online last month. It required 5 to 10 minutes a day. I did it once. In a month.

The class was worth every penny. I know I have more than 5 minutes a month to spare. I saw that it was hard for me to take that 5 minutes ever. As in I didn’t do it. Except once.

That was helpful to see. No one but me got in the way of that.OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Do I not feel entitled to take that 5 minutes? Am I just lazy? Is it hard to implement even what I know will be good for me?

Will I make that 5 minutes of mindful choice rather than the 1049 doing mindless doing, chores, numbing, zoning, weeding or doing the dishes?

Not yet. That’s the truth I saw. Not yet.

I had intention. But I saw that at least. It made me realize it’s not life I need to control and it’s not calm I have to pray and wait for.

Actually, it’s me and I’m going to have to learn to stop, stand still, sit down and rest into the earth first before I’ve run myself ragged and fall over or collapse. That’s not the habit or example I want to model – for my daughter or my future self who is just budding in me in this present.

The truth is I don’t yet know how to slow and still and center.

I am busy in the center of me – producing and churning and fighting.

This is the favorite go-to outfit I put on each morning even as I say I need a new color and fabric.

I know how to fight, even fight myself but less how to engage, in polite and curious and warm and open conversation.

And so I won’t fight myself to stop doing this but I will notice – hey – it’s me doing this again. Wow, there that busy thing is happening again. Huh – more with the busy even though there are other options.

My friend Kathy would say, “Dear sweet girl why are you running? What need are you trying to meet?”

I’m not that gentle within.

WTF I say to myself. Really? Again?

I appreciate her approach. I think of her approach and it keeps mine company.

This is where I am.

I am not in an answer.

I’m nor even go to say why or where did it come from but just notice the ways and manner in which it comes up.

Let’s see if I can observe the pattern before trying to shift, interrupt or even make friends with it.

Photo Credit: Margaret Bellafiore

Photo Credit: Margaret Bellafiore

I’m not quite ready for the big conversation with myself. I’m at the space where I see it’s coming.

It’s necessary to have a heart to heart. I’m not ready to take the lid off yet though.

But the whisper to self is there. The “we need to talk” admission before the three-hour crying face to face. It’s a knowing – there’s something here still and it won’t pass all by itself.

It’s gonna wait and need attention, like the trees I didn’t invite in my yard that are growing too close to my foundation and need to be cut or dug out and removed.

I’m gathering tools. I’m readying myself.

I’m not ready to put it all together yet.Bellafiore Victoria portrait

I’m making tea and taking breaths and approaching the words and the space beneath words where something hides.

I’m making sure my heart is open and that I’m not all tense from the get go as that rarely goes anywhere good.

It’s been put on the agenda. The subject is on the regarding line and it’s been named.



You Matter Mantras

  • Trauma sucks. You don't.
  • Write to express not to impress.
  • It's not trauma informed if it's not informed by trauma survivors.
  • Breathing isn't optional.

You Are Invited Too & To:

Filed Under: Adults Abused as Children, Uncategorized, Writing ·

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