Post Kavanaugh Pissed

I tossed and turned all Saturday night. I am disgusted by Trump’s comments and mocking Dr. Ford. But I’m not surprised.

I’m enraged at Senator Collins comments. I watched a news program and heard her say, of Dr. Ford’s testimony, “I believe she believes” Kavanaugh assaulted her or some crap like that. What the what? Is that supposed to be anything other than insulting or offensive and any better than saying flat out that she either doesn’t believe or doesn’t care about what Dr. Ford testified? That gaslighting bullshit is not new for survivors.

When survivors talk about not being believed, we include those sort of bullshit comments because we know exactly what they mean (i.e. you don’t matter. Your truth, words, experiences, memory, trauma, and pain don’t matter because they get in the way of my agenda, needs, etc.).

Dr. Ford knew the person she was accusing and her “100 percent certain” comment made that quite clear. She knew it was now Supreme Court Justice Kavanaugh which is the only reason she came forward, despite actually not wanting to and predicting the result. It’s why she had therapy notes mentioning him, and only him, by name long before he was being considered for the Supreme Court.

When Kavanaugh kept repeating in his appearance before the Senate the “something happened, somewhere, and at some time, by someone.” crap it was the same bullshit.

Dr. Ford’s testimony, memory, experience, and trauma do not matter. She was not anonymously hurt by some random stranger. She has come forward with accusations that are specific.

It’s disgusting how partisan the votes turned out to be, as though all who heard Dr. Ford and Kavanugh listened independently and made their own independent decisions.

Such crap.

The same crap that happens when cops who injure and kill black people get off again and again and again and we act as though there’s no bias at work, no power differentials, no privilege playing any part.

I feel like I did after the Access Hollywood tapes of Trump came out. Knowing that even if there’s proof, it does not matter because the system will protect white men at the expense of almost everyone else.

It’s not like I don’t know that we have a Republican president and Senate we’re going to end up having a judge who leans to the right when there’s an opening on the Supreme Court. That’s how the system usually works. This isn’t about that, though of course, it matters who is on the Supreme Court because it ALWAYS matters who is on the Supreme Court. And somehow, despite being on this planet for half a century, I thought maybe the bar for filling that job was higher than partisanship.

I’m such an idiot.

Safety, opportunity, and justice are not equally available to all of us and though I know that’s the truth, I guess I was occassionally still under the impression that it was at least the ideal. I think that’s what recent events have done – they have snuffed out any idealism I had left.

The only personal silver lining I feel is a relief from the guilt I’ve carried for not coming forward to press charges. I worried that by failing to do so I was complicit in making society less safe for others. I now know that coming forward doesn’t protect others, it just hurts those that come forward, because the system doesn’t offer justice or healing to those who have been violated or hurt or harmed. I would not even recommend that other women come forward after a sexual assault. I would support the choice to come forward, or not, knowing what the likelihood of healing or justice for doing so is.

Our justice system rarely delivers justice and I know that more deeply this week, which I realize is also a privilege of being white, because it’s something people of color have known. It’s not specific and isolated and only applicable to sexual assault – it’s just another example of how the system doesn’t work so routinely for some people.

It’s not the first or only time the system has been unjust and it won’t be the last.

I can’t even claim to have any idea what the fix even is. I don’t believe it’s simply just getting more people to vote or having a “correction” by putting the Democrats back in power. I distrust them less but that’s not the same as trust.

I’m not sure if the Democrats acted with integrity in their treatment of Dr. Ford. I’m not sure if they were honoring her wish for privacy or politicized her pain. I hope they did but we saw the shitshow in the Democratic Party when it came to Sanders and Clinton, as well as sexism, and it was all around ugliness.

I’ve lost trust in both parties and the partisanship. I’ve lost faith that there are reasonable people on all sides who have integrity and are interested in what’s best for our country and the world.

I am not ready to be hopeful or optimistic. I don’t have an empowered spin or even a cynical recognition of how things cycle and this is just a part of phase and there’s some bigger perspective.

Nope. I don’t feel any of that.

Until we have a far more diverse and representative people throughout all our branches of government, at all levels, I’m not sure what changes.

I feel like I did when Trumps Access Hollywood video came out and then he got elected. That’s it not that people just don’t know or believe there’s inequity, and can’t believe it and need more proof, it’s that a lot of people do know and see it clear as day and don’t care or want it to remain exactly the way it is.

That’s what I am feeling right now.

It doesn’t mean we are hopeless, powerless, and that movements can’t or won’t and haven’t made change. They have. We have. They do. We do. They will. We will.

But where, how, when will the systems be safe and just for all of us? We are not all judged by a jury of our peers, or represented by people who look and are like us. We have so far to grow and go.

So, today, I channeled some rages and cynicism and sadness. I kept my hands busy and prevented several hours of binge eating and TV watching and made this word cloud.

P.S. the statistics are from RAINN. When I decided to start speaking publicly about being a survivor I joined their speaker’s bureau. I know they have been extra busy taking phone calls. I can be grateful that they exist. That’s something!