Permission to be human in a pandemic, please

I have a single mom friend who is caring for a baby, a 16-year old, and working full-time. Her name is Heidi. This is the same friend, with an ACE score of 10, written about here a few years ago.

This is what she posted on Facebook (and gave me permission to share) the day after Governor Charlie Baker announced the schools in MA will be closed, at least, until early May:  

No one is talking much about what this means for full-time working-at-home moms. At least not in a real way. It’s not a (bleep) home-school Pinterest project, that’s for sure. It’s a goddamn nightmare. Everyone’s pretending it’s not distracting to hear my nephew in the background during my work calls. I’m acting like it’s not distracting. I’m acting like it’s no big deal. I’m acting like I can be totally successful at all of these things. Are you?

No one is giving us permission to be actual humans.

I don’t know who to flag down, but I just want to say “hey! I cant be a home (bleep) daycare, a GoogleClassroom teacher’s aide, a hall monitor, the lunch lady, the custodian and (bleep) work a full time gig”.

I fully recognize that not everyone has small children. Hell, I didn’t until I got this guy in October.

And, I’m totally…not…killing it.

How are YOU doing?

Are you working full time and juggling kids during this insanity? If you are, tell me what you’re doing.

If you’re not, don’t (bleep) comment. I’m already sick of (or jealous of) your (bleep) out in nature posts, your stupid (bleep) “Corona Virus Schedule” and your updates about what you cleaned and organized today.

The numerous and immediate comments and responses went something like this:

You are not alone. I’m too overwhelmed to even make a good comment.
It’s been a roller coaster.
I’m going crazy over here. 
Horrible to feel alone with this. 
Hard that Families First Act only covers some employees.
I’m taking it day by day.
Be mad. Continue to be brave.
It’s o.k. to complain. It’s o.k. to ask for help. And frankly, it’s o.k. to just fail.

I sighed in relief when I read Heidi’s post. I am also – not killing it!

I am struggling to figure out what I need to keep my post-traumatic stress symptoms in check enough to be present and decent as a mother, employee, partner, daughter, sister, a member of the survivor community.

I’m struggling and activated even though I have tools, support, only one kid who is a teenager.

I’m struggling even though I have practice dealing with stress, and know why I’m activated, triggered, and less than my best.

I’m immune-compromised and a few months out of chemotherapy. I’m on medications that make me tired, foggy and give me flu-like symptoms daily. My daughter’s Dad who works with nurses all day isn’t available much because nurses are in crisis and need union representation. Plus, his current wife and his daughter’s mom (me) are both recovering from cancer and he’s worried about carrying and/or spreading the virus. Who isn’t worried?
 
I feel bad that my partner and daughter have to do all the shopping, bad that I’m not as fast at work as I used to be, bad that I’m not stocking my mother and step-father up with groceries, bad that I’m not spending more quality time at night, with my kid, when she’s done with her homework because I’m drooling on myself in front of the TV half asleep or already in bed. 

I feel bad that she is missing dance, her friends, her Dad, her boyfriend, and doesn’t have a sibling to hang out with. I’m worried about the stupid racist comments she and other Chinese people are facing more of right now. 

And then I feel bad for feeling bad when others have it worse. We do have food, housing, and paychecks right now, and so does Heidi. We know many others are struggling with much more.

Heidi, in her spare time, is shopping for parents and delivering groceries because not everyone at our school can get to the pick-up meals right now or feel safe doing so.

I’m aware that many are in survival mode because survival is more threatened right now than before this pandemic and for some, it already was, it’s just more of us are aware of what happens when daycare and food and healthcare aren’t as accessible. More of us are in the same boat at the same time.

Stresses and challenges are piling up and all people are dealing with real losses -like loss of life, jobs, safety, and support. We all have our individual struggles and things and people we’re concerned about, too.

But we aren’t all starting with the same stresses, past or present, or the same resources, past or present though and our responses have to honor that reality. 
 
I’m worried about those who are not safe at home, or for who home right now is a hospital or a prison or a detention center, where human safety and dignity are not prioritized. 

I’m afraid for those that have COVID-19, while parenting and don’t have support. 

I’m worried about those who have to go to hospitals to life-saving treatment, and risk exposure to ourselves and loved ones.

These are real worries and not simply a lack of strong mindfulness practice.

Some are talking about hope, a new normal, and a better normal, how this virus might be the massive disruption needed in order to create true change and to center social justice. I love being a part of those conversations. 

Some are talking about how we can use all we know from ACEs science to create trauma-informed/responsive/sensitive systems that are actual buffers and protections and not sources of inequity and stress. That’s what I want and work for.

I’m listening, inspired, and contributing what I can, how I can, and hope they are right.

I’m open to hope but I’m not yet feeling hopeful. 

Hope, for me, comes by way of truth-telling, honesty, and validation. I need people talking about what’s challenging, what’s not working, and who are willing to listen before giving advice and who acknowledge our support systems and safety nets have and continue to fail many.

I need safe spaces to be real more in order to get calm, regulated, and motivated to make changes.

I need people who are sharing that we don’t yet know what works, that we aren’t already experts at weathering a pandemic with all our ACEs, new and old stresses, and varied challenges. I need room to breathe. And even the permission, as Heidi says, to be human.

I need people to share that there is nothing wrong with us if we are eating too much, working too little, not quite adjusted, centered, and on top of how to be perfect parents, partners, employees, and people in a pandemic. 

It’s not that there aren’t sweet moments or gifts.  It’s not that there aren’t always some gifts. Going through cancer, I’d count my cancer perks, silver linings, and be grateful for things I’d taken for granted or failed to appreciate or notice (like being able to sleep through the night or walk without getting dizzy or not being allergic to chemo or able to go to my kid’s dance performance). These are things I had never been aware of never mind grateful for. And the list of things I learned and am learning is enormous.

I know it’s possible to be grateful and terrified at the same time. 

Heidi told me when she posted on Facebook she got a few calls from people who are worried about her as well as who gave advice on using the time not commuting to meditate (of course, not from people with little ones). She said she knows they just don’t know. She reminded them she is managing, coping, and taking care of her responsibilities AND that she also knows a toll is being taken, and stress is mounting, and she’s feeling that stress.

Advice and education won’t mitigate that stress. Telling parents to ask for help if there is not enough cash, food, resources, childcare, healthcare, etc. isn’t helpful. It’s offensive.

Even before the pandemic many of us know the help that’s available doesn’t always help or match the stresses being faced. And many of us do this work to change exactly that.

Currently, what supports and strategies we may have already had in place, seem to be diminishing just as we may need more than ever. And we’re adapting, getting creative, as well as panicking because we know we must.

Of course, we will find ourselves more often in survival mode, survival brain, and doing all the things we do to cope when our systems and families and nervous systems are overwhelmed. But we’re not just coping or managing past trauma, we are managing real and current threats. And those aren’t one and the same.

Let’s not forget, that when it comes to surviving, no one knows how to survive better than survivors. Ask us how we’ve survived. We can guide others in survival mode. Remember, times such as these are where lived experience and expertise is acquired.

But we know, also, as survivors that survival isn’t guaranteed. Not all of us will live, survive well, or be free from suffering and serious consequences and it’s o.k. to be fearful, freaked out, and honest. it’s normal, adaptive, and appropriate to be scared and stressed and human.