I can’t write off Lena Dunham’s descriptions of molesting her little sister as inconsequential even though I like her work, humor and politics. It’s not part of the right-wing conspiracy to be critical or question what she described doing in her memoir.

Just because same sex or sibling molestation can be less violent, extreme or shocking than adult on child molestation doesn’t mean it’s healthy or funny.

The most damaging aspect of same-sex sibling molestation is how agonizingly confusing and overwhelming it is. And for many of us, it’s one small part of a larger dysfunctional family story where sexual trauma is being re-enacted, repeated or acted out on younger siblings by older ones.

It’s complicated.

I know.

I loved my step-sister. We shared the same first and middle name as me – Christine Marie – and the same baby brother. Christine was four years older than me which means when I was in first grade she was in fifth. When I was in fifth grade she was starting high school. She never treated me like an annoying little sister, though I sometimes was. Usually, she was kind. I looked up to her, followed her and thought her cool, worldly and beautiful. She found me funny, smart and sweet. We even loved the same dog.

All of that was true.

As is this.

Sometimes I woke in my bunk bed with her masturbating on my thigh. Other times she would slide her hands under my shirt during long car rides while we were put in the way back. Christine had sex with a friend, in the bed, while I was in the corner. When I was about fourteen and visiting her apartment she did drugs, drank and invited over a neighbor named Horny Howie who liked to open the top of my shirt and look it.

I let him and she did too and probably for the same reason. Horny Howie’s behavior was odd, uncomfortable and gross and it was also familiar.

Horny Howie was like her father, my step-father – the guy I called Dad. “Dad” came into my life before I had a vocabulary or was out of diapers and while my “real” father was in Vietnam and were separated. Dad was 45, divorced, smoked and had four children from a previous marriage. My mother was nineteen and had two babies and an ex who was abusive, alcoholic and in Vietnam.

My step-sister was not an adult. It’s not her fault she was left in charge of me so often. I realize she was missing boundaries, rules, attuned parents and any knowledge about safety or privacy.  She was acting out the abuse likely done to her. For this reason I don’t think of her as a sexual predator.

According to Twitter Grace Dunham isn’t calling her sister one either.

But that doesn’t mean what was done is funny.

With Christine I learned that love and abuse are often simultaneous. Childhood help me get skilled at putting up with betrayal and being dismissed and invisible. Because of Christine I learned that people I love and admire will use me for their sexual pleasure. I learned that whether I was awake or asleep I could substitute for a blow-up doll for someone else’s desire, acting out or compulsion.

Guess how fun that makes developing a healthy sense of self and an embodied sexuality?  It’s a long-ass time and process which is agonizingly grueling and brutal. It’s possible, mercifully, but it’s not quick or easy.

This took years of work to untangle. By years I mean decades.

Plus, please don’t call sexual molestation sexual exploration.  Don’t make light or funny and don’t assume it’s the same as normal sibling or friend exploration. Even same age sexual experiences can be exploitive. We know bullying happens between same age kids in school or neighborhoods. It happens at home as well. It’s not less serious because it’s between the same sex, or siblings or in private.

This is part of the reason some of us are so “triggered” and upset. In fact, Lena Dunham has apologized for being insensitive. I’m glad. Apology accepted.

But  it’s no joke. It’s not funny. And for many of us is part of a bigger and serious family problem.

Note: I’m on the speaker’s bureau for RAINN (Rape and Incest National Network) and have shared my sibling (and step-father) molestation in a forthcoming book by Rebecca Street entitled, You Can Help