Is Gratitude Being Used as a Gateway Drug to Selfishness? In Praise of Tillie Olsen

I love gratitude, have a family gratitude journal on my dining room table which is as fun to write in as it is to review. When I’m weary or stressed, taking a moment to focus on appreciation helps me shift from burdened to bountiful.

Plus, I get to read my daughter’s entries, where she writes things at dinner such as: “I am grateful for butter because butter is the bomb.”

It’s fantastic to have this practice and a keepsake journal.

But I wonder if gratitude lists have become a gate-way drug to craving more? Do I cling to gratitude afraid if I don’t I won’t attract more good stuff?

Does my gratitude practice help me remember the wider social context in which I live?

I’m not sure it does.

I read a Tillie Olsen quote I can’t stop thinking about. She wrote:

“Survivor: One who must bear witness for those who floundered; try to tell how it was that they, also worthy of life, did not survive. And pass on ways of surviving; and tell of our chancy luck, our special circumstances.”

She believed in the inherent worthiness of every person. Her words are generous and kind. I don’t cry easily but the quote makes me teary. It’s disarming.

We live in a culture that says, “Here’s how I did it. Do you want to try, buy or sample my way?”

Sometimes I say, “Yes, please. Sign me up. Another free sample.”

Who isn’t scared that who or how we are isn’t quite enough? Who doesn’t like a new plan, map or short cut?

Olsen was an activist though, wanting better for herself and aiming to change society for everyone. She held those who did not survive with utter regard.

She asked survivors to speak for those who don’t make it and to explain why our numbers aren’t larger. It isn’t only a lesson in humility, though it has a “there but for the grace of God go I” vibe. She insisted we do more than imagine ourselves in the shoes of another.

If we understand where and why someone went off the rails she wants us to say so. Instead of saying, “I just drive better,” she wanted us to consider and own our circumstances.

Was it less icy when I drove? Did my tires have more traction? Did I have heat so my hands could grip the wheel without freezing? Did I have help? Were fewer cars coming from the opposite direction?

Why is this important?

Because we live in a world that romanticizes the power of attitude as though it alone is all a person needs. Attitude is important but it’s not going to be all one needs to improve breathing if on a ventilator. It’s easier for some to return to the breath than it is for others. The ability to do so does not only reflect the strength or discipline of a practice.

Olsen didn’t dismiss the strong, resilient and triumphant. I’m glad because I love a good rise above it all story as much as the next person.

I sniff out survivors like a hungry dog begging for scraps. I make no apologies for that.

She insisted survivors notice if we had a bigger safety net, a trampoline with more bounce and fewer holes because these things impact rebound and how high someone can safely risk soaring.

Olsen wanted to arm people with realistic information. She wanted people to know the mountains we are all asked to climb might indeed be the same size. However, those with a Sherpa guide, expensive camping gear and time off work to train will have a better chance to summit.

The failure to reach the top isn’t entirely about someone’s will to climb, strength or heart.

She wanted those of us who know how hard it is to climb under duress not to forget how many times we almost buckled, how often we stumbled and that we were likely the beneficiary of our own “chancy luck” and “special circumstances” when someone threw us a line.

She wasn’t trying to be Debbie Downer at a cocktail party being a serious buzz kill at parties. She wanted us all to realize the impact of negative and positive circumstances.

That’s why I write about the toll of trauma, the impact of child abuse, and the difficulties breaking the cycle. It’s to validate those who still struggle and to say it’s not your imagination or weakness, this terrain is steep and slippery. Parents, safety and breezy childhoods are not a birth right. Breaking the cycle is no picnic. The climb can feel treacherous at times.

Writing about how trauma impacts the nervous system can be a buzz kill for others wanting to think about higher vibration issues. But what’s more important?

I can’t wait until we live in a world where all children are safe at home and adults spend zero time or energy battling addictions, somatic symptoms, conflicts and the impact of violence.  I can’t wait until this conversation is tired and irrelevant. We’re not there yet.

I believe circumstances matter. I believe until circumstances change fewer people will summit.

Olsen’s quote kindles up my passion, compassion and fires up my activism. She didn’t point out the personality faults of the people who did or didn’t succeed. She asked us to look at our “chancy luck” and “special circumstances.” She then did research and added facts to the mix.

When she wrote about female writers, historically, who were successful she noticed a few things. They didn’t usually have children and/or they were wealthy. No matter how different individuals are, having a day job and caring for children will impact a schedule, especially for a woman. That was just factual.

She didn’t think poor people were rich once and simply failed to budget. She was the type of person who knew that what keeps some from going to college is more often cash than intelligence.

I love how she used her own success to try to make life better for others, how she knew everyone gets “stuff” to deal with in life but not everyone’s pile of stud is the same.

The broken are no less significant than the resilient. The injured no less worthy than the one fully recovered. It’s easy to romanticize the ones who defy odds. It’s dangerous to use them to cast judgment on those who struggle.

I’m sure some veterans have done o.k. while they waited for services but let’s not use their example to justify not responding to everyone more quickly.

We all have both negative and positive circumstances which impact us.

When I walk in a room, I’m not, like my daughter sometimes is, the only Asian. I am never told how lucky I am to be adopted by total strangers at a check-out line or asked invasive questions about birth family or culture. I did nothing to deserve this comfort or privacy but it’s mine. To act as though it has no benefit or impact is ridiculous.

I can’t say what it feels like to be Asian because I’m not but I can listen to people who can.

Today, I am changing up my gratitude practice, making sure it isn’t only self-serving, embracing Olsen’s definition of the word survivor a little more tightly.

I’m grateful for her words and lasting influence.