I Ain’t Leaving Fear

My puppy is 7 months. She’s afraid of cars. Sometimes she cowers behind my calves and other times she runs towards the car (I know, NOT GOOD).

The same thing is driving both behaviors. – fear.

She’s afraid of cars, especially ones that are moving fast.

And when fear is running the show there’s piddling, hiding, charging and barking.

None of these behaviors are exceptionally adorable. None of this expressions of fear are Ella at her best, most joyful, confident or playful.

I don’t think I’ve posted on Facebook pic of Ella’s fearful demeanor.

But it’s there. It is a part of Ella. And it remains.

And I’ve had to get a special collar so she can’t pull and chase.

And I’ve been tripped and face planted on the road when she tried to hide between my two moving feet. I’m still limping off one of those spills.

Hoping Ella just stops being afraid or grows out if isn’t going to work. Walking where there are no cars?

Possible but limiting.

Yelling at her for being afraid or barking?

Just makes her do it more.

I have an afraid version too.

And if I have to get familiar with that part of me bcause she’s not just going to vanish.

That fear knows how to do a long-down-stay.

Pretending, wishing, avoiding or hoping fear wasn’t in my life isn’t effective. I know.

Don’t get me wrong – I try not to let fear run the show, go on job interviews, drive my car or lead all of conversations. But pretending she ain’t going to show isn’t wise either.

She’s here, deep inside and eventually she’s going to show herself with a bark or cower. It’s better if I just introduce her and acknowledge she exists. She’ll pop in anyhow – invited or not.

Hating on her only makes her get all secretive and erratic so she ends up photo-bombing my best shots.

Shots at professional success.

Shots at love.

Shots at happiness.

That’s not the kind of camera hog I want in my life.

“Just come on in the picture,” I’m learning how to say even though fear can feel like the ulgy cold sore on the lip or the shaving cut on a bare ankle in summer that can’t be hidden. I own it but that doesn’t mean I’m feeling all proud.

Sometimes  just letting fear exist is the best I can do. She might never be my favorite emotion. I might never like accept her as much as bliss. But bearing my fear isn’t lethal.

Running away from fear can be deadly.

I’ve done that too.

I’m trying to approach fear less like she’s a rude party crasher and more like she’s an invited guest who showed up early.

Inconvenient? Yes.

Unwelcome? Not really.

Rejecting fear might buy me time, perspective, distance or just give me a break til I feel stronger – all o.k. by me. But it’s only a delay – never a pass.

I want to be brave enough to say,”let’s do this now rather than put it off.”

This befriending fear is not a speedy or perfect process.

I’m still learning to trust she’s not going to go through my purse or jewelry box if I let her in.

I can’t keep myself from being afraid. Even of fear.

I can remind myself fear is not Godzilla size. Fear is a frightened child who doesn’t know how to use her words. It helps to take charge, be reassuring and say, “I’m not a scared of you,” even if you kind of are.

Sometimes you just have to pat a spot on the couch and give her half the couch.

Sometimes you have to let fear take a load off and be afraid together.

Watching Being Mary Jane or the Good Wife sipping tea and eating crackers.

Maybe even writing her a love letter one day.

My Dearest Fear:

I have a song for you. It’s from Mary Gauthier and it goes like this:

I Ain’t Leaving.

I want you to know – I’m bigger than you.

Love, Me