Facing Facts: Fear & Reality

July 5th, 2022

I was changing the kitty litter and saw a bug scurry out from under the box. The pinchers were huge and it startled me. I’m not a bug a phobe. I routinely catch bees and wasps using a piece of a paper and an oversized cup and then release them outside. But this bug I flushed down the toilet. But before I did so I took a picture of it because it looked like a termite. 

I took the picture and killed the bug, changed the kitty litter but couldn’t bring myself to look at the photo or Google what termites look like. 

My daughter was having her roommate over, I was packing up for a trip to Canada to do experimental hyperthermia treatment, and also recovering from an immunotherapy combination that made me tired, sneezy, and caused a non-stop runny nose. 

I couldn’t deal with termites and was also aware that if it were termites, time was of the essence.

Could it wait til I was in Canada? Could I at least know my flight is on time before I faced the photo? 

I can only handle so much at once I thought and I’m a little overcooked on adulting. 

I don’t want to worry about a termite infestation even if I have one nor do I want termites ripping at the foundation of my house.

All weekend I was uneasy, but only in one corner of mind. Other parts of my mind were happy. I felt well, really really well for someone with cancer. I had decent energy and went to the gym and have increased my cardio and increased.

My radiated neck wasn’t quite ready for the chlorine in the pool but I was  able to do more than yoga. Plus, Kai was having company and we were planning to go to a family party. It felt like a normal weekend with friends and family and fireworks (for others, not for me and the animals who are not fans). 

I got myself all packed for my trip and decided to face the photo, Google photos of termites, research infestation experts and figure out how I would even pay for the fix.

But once I started the search my photo looked nothing like a termite. It looked exactly like an ear wig – a bug that is not uncommon.

How often do we made up stories in our head about what we will/won’t be able to handle, about what doom is about to greet us? Sometimes facing reality is the hardest thing in the world. Sometimes facing reality is the only thing that brings relief.