Cancer Update

My cancer is back, unfortunately, and so all hopes for “the cure” are now gone. I’m not without hope or a fight and I will be living my healthiest and best life as long as I can. And no one knows for sure how things will go and I’m totally open to medical advances and spiritual and emotional miracles. I’ve had some of those things happen in my life already!

This is sad, and hard, of course, but also a reminder to all that none of us is guaranteed another day. Truly. Really. Seriously. And many, face illness or death suddenly and it’s sudden and they don’t have the chance to make the most of months and years.

So I do not know how long I have – nor does anyone – I’m just extra aware of that. For as long as I have I’m focusing on family, love, fun, joy, and when this pandemic is over – TRAVEL!

For now, I have to figure out work, disability, the next medical treatments, and focus on CREATIVITY AS SOCIAL CHANGE and if there’s a book or four that needs to come out soon.

I am grateful I have so much love, support, partnership, friends, and family, and I know I have a lot of life left. I’ve started telling people and I’m sorry because I know if you love me this is sad news. I’m sorry if you are finding out on social media or via my blog.

I am sorry if it’s selfish but I can’t have this conversation repeatedly or one or one because it’s too hard and too painful and completely exhausts me. But please know this: I do not need a thing. I’m feeling healthy right now. I’m so loved. I’ve got all I need and have a sense of what’s to come. I know, this time, what eases treatment symptoms and what the resources are. I have met tons of people with ovarian cancer who have or who are walking this path. I’m on the Ovarian Cancer Research Alliance with other survivors helping to train medical students about what is needed to help cure/treat ovarian cancer. So I’m all over the latest advances, the standard of care, as well as alternative and complementary approaches.

People have asked me if they can do anything. And I so appreciate that. I was so supported in all ways by my loved ones, when I was diagnosed, had surgery and chemo, and it all helped. And the financial support as well (thanks Heidi Aylward and everyone who supported this healing journey) allowed me to do things like get reflexology, buy wheatgrass shots and smoothies, and buy an infrared heating blanket and all those things helped me recover from chemo and stay strong.

Please know I do not need stuff, or even food, because I really am strong and I have all the gifts given already and don’t need anything. So if you want to know what I’d love or what helps, here’s what I ask for that means the most to me here goes:

• Tag me if you read a great poem, quote, or want to share a song.
• Share a story that’s uplifting or inspiring.
• Tag me or email me if you faced a fear, achieved a goal, made some sort of change you are proud of. That is exciting, interesting, and triumphant for me.
• Tag me or tell me if you are filled with love or joy, heard something that made you laugh your ass off.
• Do NOT be afraid to tell me about your life.
• Do not decide I’m too busy and not ask me to do something like read an article you wrote, etc. I want full life and living even if I’m tired, chemo brained, etc.
• Do NOT stop leaning on me for emotional support or practical advice or just to check-in. I NEED TO hear about your life and what’s happening in the world.

This time around I need to talk about the medical side of things way less or what I’m doing or trying.

Right now, I’m managing something that is chronic and if I’m feeling good, that’s the win. If we are relating, exploring, or I’m creating: THAT’S THE TRIUMPH, JOY, and the WIN!

Do not stop telling me what is heavy on your heart.

Do not feel like you can’t tell me about a job worry, a minor health thing, money problems or anything else. I’m still here, I still care, and I don’t want you to not share.

If you want to do something for me, love and support Kai (my daughter) and Tom (my partner), and each other because that will help and because they are getting the 24/7 up close and personal view and I worry about that and them because sometimes I’m sleeping, ragey, weepy, achey and less present or attentive or fun than I’d like.

Finally, to end on a happy note, because there’s always happiness even when there’s sadness, always-always-always, I have loved seeing the senior year photos of my daughter done by my very talented and generous cousin, Andrea.

I have had some career wins as well. I’ll be on PBS News Hour in a few weeks talking about healing from traumatic stress in ways outside the traditional medical model (so beyond talk therapy and medication). AND, I got to work with Ziggy’s Wish and have some writing and art in a book on managing cancer that also comes out in a few weeks. The Ziggy’s Wish workshop was a blast. It reminded me of healthy, happy, and joyful art and creativity are for my mind, body, and soul.

And I am so grateful to be doing free-writing and sacred truth-telling, and doing watercolors just for fun, and waiting for college acceptance letters with my friends. Last week, I had a great game day with my nephews, brother, and sister-in-law after tests and quarantining where we got to walk at the beach and share amazing, home-cooked good food.

And every damn day I am loved so well by partner. He just brought me lemons in water. He makes hot coffee and delivers it to bed. We walk regularly. The simple things of life are still sweet, maybe especially sweet.

I have been SO HELD, LOVED, and CARED for by friends, by family, acquaintances, and even my daughter’s dance team because we bond over our kids and dance even when we don’t bond over politics and that is lovely.

I’ve also been supported by my employer and am lucky to have access to insurance and disability pay and flexible hours. SO SO SO SO SO much to be grateful for. I have been able to do work that is meaningful and with people I admire.

Yes, I’m still a bit stunned. But, I’m right here (write here), right now (write now). I’m going to savor as much life, love, living, giving, crafting, creating, resting, and appreciating this world as I can.