Dedicated to Joyelle & Dawn of Trigger Points Anthology

“It’s all trauma all the time” I told the guy I’m seeing in case that was going to be an issue.

 Trauma is in my personal history, is the topic of most of my writing and what I tend to read, think about and study.

It’s not as heavy as it sounds. I can be funny, relaxed and talk about other things such as whether cantaloupe goes better in quinoa salad than watermelon or if Newsroom isn’t as sharp this season as it used to be.

But, if a guy  isn’t good with my kid and interested in hearing about trauma, trauma survivors, breaking the cycle and and living well on earth after being raised in hell – well – it ain’t gonna work.

Because even though my life is peaceful, joyful and centered now I spent decades working on issues such as these:

• job hunting with symptoms of post-traumatic stress

• healing while trying to have a social life

• wondering if, how and when to tell lovers about past sexual abuse

• how to get through triggering medical procedures or those “little” things like having kids and relationships

• learning enough about self-care to teach it to a child

• the pros and cons of trauma treatments and medications as a parent – because Mommy can’t be crazy and present and attaching and attuned – but is also tired of weight gain and a dead libido and talking til she’s blue in the face

• what are healthy attachment, boundaries and limits

• who can babysit when I don’t trust anyone

• how to have healthy sex and orgasms

• how to destress the brain, body and psyche

• what does it mean to be safe or healthy or feeling a sense of agency

These are all extremely personal but vital to quality of daily life issues. For survivors, not much of any part of life isn’t somehow touched by the physical, emotional, sexual, personal or health issues related to being an adult survivor attempting health, happiness, intimacy and break-the-cycle parenting. We NEED other people going in the same direction with a car of a similar make and model. Even if we don’t have a GPS and everything mapped out it’s nice to know the path we are on has been traveled before and there are places for pit stops and refueling and rest.

This wasn’t always available. It is now and it’s celebration worthy! There are others out in the world, online, signing names to writing and getting active and building community. This is still a radically wonderful and newsworthy joy! When I make connections with others, parenting as survivors, writing and dealing with our own adult joys, passions and complexities – it’s a bliss fest. It happened last week. There was a piece about parenting as an adult who survived child abuse (see here). I found out two women are collecting stories for a book (here) and then another article abour parenting as a survivor here.

In my entire life I’ve not seen two articles about parenting as a survivor of sexual abuse so to find two, in one week – on Facebook (thanks to the Trigger Points Anthology! page).  There are many bloggers and writers breaking silence. I hope you’ll add your websites in the comments so we can find each other.

This is what those doing break the cycle parenting want and need and haven’t been able to find. We are creating for ourselves. But still, we need and deserve cultural support. Getting and staying open would happen more if there was less shame and not just tolerance of but inquiry into about how we survived and what we need now and what works and what doesn’t. We no longer have to stay quiet when people talk at play group about co-sleeping and for us, how sleeping with our kids might feel scary or harmful. We don’t have to bite our tongues or roll our eyes when others talk about how their loving and doting mothers want to babysit too much. We can speak with and bear witness to one another.

We can get it and get got. In real time. Now.

And when we do, I know, I’m Immediately CHANGED AND FOR THE BETTER. I’m talking exuberant and buoyant and over-the-top jumping up and down. LITERALLY. Communities are forming NOW! For example, when the well-respected Ms. Magazine blog shared a totally dismissive piece, yesterday, on sibling sexual abuse, our voices are out in force, loud and together. This is new. And amazing. (see https://www.facebook.com/msmagazine).

We are speaking up and our and for ourselves and with one another and it’s EMOTIONAL AND POWERFUL!

The past bleeds into the present like red dye in a load of whites. It happens. And we don’t have to keep it to ourselves, bite our tongues and smile at play groups or cocktail parties. We can ask, “Do you use bleach or what helps?” We are brainstorming, sharing, lending each other a hand and not hiding in the pantry feeling like no one else has a stained wardrobe but us.

 WE NEED EACH OTHER. WE ARE FINDING EACH OTHER! 

It’s beautiful, life-changing and necessary.

And it FEELS FABULOUS