{"id":4104,"date":"2016-09-01T16:48:35","date_gmt":"2016-09-01T20:48:35","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/healwritenow.com\/?p=4104"},"modified":"2016-09-08T10:21:21","modified_gmt":"2016-09-08T14:21:21","slug":"epic-fall-public-sucfail","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/epic-fall-public-sucfail\/","title":{"rendered":"Choked & Soared: Speaking Publicly about Parenting After Trauma"},"content":{"rendered":"

I gave a keynote address to over 100 people. I’m not bragging.\u00a0It was an epic failure and an epic triumph.<\/p>\n

And I’m still here which is something since\u00a0I traveled alone, spoke in public, met new people and shared meal times with total strangers!<\/p>\n

I tackled social anxiety, figured out flights, luggage and directions.\u00a0I went in elevators and walked halls alone, without pepper spray. I searched in closets and under beds for monsters and then was able to fall asleep, and stay asleep, without drinking. Twice.<\/p>\n

Huge. Enormous. Monumental.<\/p>\n

There were years I wasn’t comfortable driving myself around the city at night, like at 6 p.m., \u00a0or traveling alone or at all or using a map or trusting a cab driver – or myself – not to get lost.<\/p>\n

YEARS!<\/p>\n

There were times I tried to get out of vacations because that was just too much unstructured time with other people and nothing about that sounded fun -or worth spending money for.\u00a0Working seemed better. Easier. More pleasant.<\/p>\n

Going away was so anxiety provoking I wasn’t sure how it was even possible for others or desirable.\u00a0My ex husband got a free trip to Hawaii and I tried to figure out ways to get out of it…\u00a0There was so much fear that rainbows, lei’s and free travel even seemed overwhelming.<\/p>\n

The years when I had to hide The Courage to Heal in my car so I could get through a work day. I’d go out to the car at lunch to read or cry or deep breathe and\u00a0remind myself that healing was a real thing even if it seemed a lot like losing my shit or mind.<\/p>\n

YEARS!<\/p>\n

So, to GO TO a conference – at all – and to travel alone – and out of state are each amazing but to do them together… and to speak about parenting and trauma.<\/p>\n

I feel almost amazing.<\/p>\n

I stretched myself so far I had to ask for help. My friends who gave HOURS of time helping me and my ex husband stayed at my house to care for our daughter while my boyfriend helped care for the dog.<\/p>\n

I’m so lucky and I needed help.<\/p>\n

Speaking and socializing is HEAVY interpersonal lifting and I’m not even sure why I said yes because I was out of my depth.<\/p>\n

I\u00a0blame Amy Cuddy’s Ted Talk <\/a>for me even agreeing to do this thing. She’s big on showing up, that fake it to you make it – kind of stuff. Not, the deceptive bullshitting bravado but the doing stuff before you are totally 100% feeling ready as a way of becoming ready because some of us will never FEEL ready. It’s totally her fault. I thought some magic would happen and make me ready like she implied.<\/p>\n

And it wasn’t all great or easy. In the absolute middle of a one-hour\u00a0keynote about parenting after trauma, I froze.<\/h3>\n

COMPLETELY.<\/p>\n

Went blank.<\/p>\n

COMPLETELY.<\/p>\n

I know I said it twice. It felt like five hours of silence.<\/p>\n

I was alone. \u00a0No one could help me out, spot me the next line.<\/p>\n

Nothing.<\/p>\n

150 people watched me go blank.<\/p>\n

It was not a graceful moment of silence or maybe she’s being quiet to emphasize a point. Nope.\u00a0I totally lost my train of thought, nerve and the knowledge that any part of me resides in the moving parts of my body, face or mouth.<\/p>\n

I choked.<\/p>\n

I fell of the balance beam in the middle of the routine while it was being judged. And televised. I let the team down. That’s how it felt.<\/p>\n

I could feel myself unraveling while unraveling but was not able to catch myself before it went bad.<\/p>\n

It was a crash landing.<\/p>\n

In the middle.<\/p>\n

I couldn’t excuse myself.<\/p>\n

I WISH I WAS KIDDING.<\/strong><\/p>\n

I might as well have burped and farted and tripped to make it more awkward.<\/p>\n

I tried clicking my heels together and dissociating my way all the back to Massachusetts but that didn’t work either.<\/p>\n

I told everyone to take two minutes. It was not a planned break or a natural stopping point.<\/p>\n

The conference organizer walked over to me and asked if I was o.k.<\/p>\n

I couldn’t pretend no one noticed….<\/p>\n

I felt like saying, “Do I seem o.k?” or asking if she was second guessing her decision to have a traumatically stressed speaker\u00a0who would both show and tell what it’s like to have PTSD in public.<\/p>\n

Instead, I asked her for a hug like a child reaching for an “uppie” and reassured her I would be fine in a minute. I so hoped I wasn’t lying and could deliver on that.<\/p>\n

I got overwhelmed.<\/p>\n

People were looking and listening and making eye contact and nodding.<\/p>\n

And I had told secrets and shown pictures and spoke from the heart about abuse and parenting and feelings. In public!<\/p>\n

It was as brave as I’ve ever been and mid-stride I thought, “This was a mistake.” Unsay. Undo. Unsend.<\/p>\n

I went blank.<\/p>\n

It was a hot plate of spaghetti shame piled high for a moment. Strands of social anxiety and stage fright and a disclosure reveal led to panic. There was all the salt, pepper and cheese flavors of trauma served up.<\/p>\n

Ugh….<\/p>\n

I wince at the memory of that moment two weeks ago today.<\/p>\n

But here’s the thing. It was not the only important thing that happened and after a two\u00a0minute break I found my place, regained my center, returned to my notes and focused.<\/p>\n

My body held me up and I stayed pretty close to present.<\/p>\n

I admitted I was nervous.<\/p>\n

I even said how this talking about trauma, outside of therapy is radical, urgent and important – but also uncomfortable for all. We don’t have a lot of practice doing the talking or the listening.<\/p>\n

I used first-person stories and didn’t hide behind stats or data and it was scary to do that.<\/p>\n

I get that vulnerability and authenticity make humans human but that doesn’t mean it’s not terrifying sometimes.<\/p>\n

Or that in being vulnerable I got freaked out and did so visibly and in front of people.<\/p>\n

Look, it’s been three decades since I was a child and I’m still working hard, every day, to stay present in my body and mind and company all at the same time.\u00a0Because I’m a champ at the opposite which is what got me through the first two decades of life.<\/p>\n