{"id":3525,"date":"2015-11-25T15:16:30","date_gmt":"2015-11-25T20:16:30","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/healwritenow.com\/?p=3525"},"modified":"2015-11-25T15:18:02","modified_gmt":"2015-11-25T20:18:02","slug":"what-the-obit-didnt-say-francis-michael-white","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/what-the-obit-didnt-say-francis-michael-white\/","title":{"rendered":"What the Obit Didn’t Say, Francis Michael White"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Daddyas it appeared in Elephant Journal<\/a>… (except obit)\u00a0\"daddy<\/p>\n

For fifty years my father remained loyal.<\/h3>\n

Steadfast, he never swayed from the love he lived and died for. Not before or after he served in Vietnam.<\/p>\n

Not before or after the birth of his first child. Or his second \u2014 me.<\/p>\n

Not when his marriage started. Or ended.<\/p>\n

He would not back down, cave, ease up, pull back or surrender.<\/p>\n

He was devoted, loyal and stubborn. He soldiered on for one cause. Through cold and snowy winters and in the blistering heat of summer.<\/p>\n

No cosmic shift pulled him off course. Not ever.<\/p>\n

Not the primal pull of daughters or grandchildren or security or home.<\/p>\n

He refused to sober up.<\/p>\n

Ever.<\/p>\n

He stayed a raging drunk for half a century and if nothing else I\u2019m astounded that his body endured his punishment.<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

He couldn\u2019t kick the habit for himself, his wife, his children or even to save his life.<\/p>\n

His obituary was the saddest I\u2019ve ever seen; non-descript with just his name.<\/p>\n

It said nothing about his life, childhood, relatives, military service, employment or interests. There was a comment from a woman I don\u2019t know.<\/p>\n

\u201cI wish I knew.\u201d<\/p>\n

It was the comment and the lack of other loving messages which made me believe it must be him. It must be the obituary of my father which I have looked for for decades.<\/p>\n

I wasn\u2019t there, nor was my sister.<\/p>\n

He didn\u2019t know us.<\/p>\n

We didn\u2019t know him.<\/p>\n

Did he put sugar in his coffee? Did he like mashed potatoes with some of the peel still baked in? Did he butter them up and consider them the bounty of Thanksgiving as I do with the apples, or was he a turkey lover like my daughter?<\/p>\n

I\u2019ll never know.<\/p>\n

He\u2019ll never say.<\/p>\n

He never shared a meal with us.<\/p>\n

Now even hope is gone: For sobriety. A miracle. A shared smile or meal.<\/p>\n

Is he at peace now? What is heaven for him? Is it a baby bottle constantly dripping booze? Does it flow for free and not require he have to buy it or go out into the cold to find more, or does he get to drink hangover free?<\/p>\n

Is he relieved not to feel pressure to be sober, sane, employed, happy, fatherly, responsible or alive?<\/p>\n

No one can judge his lack of strength, kindness, ability to pay child support or be a responsible and contributing citizen.<\/p>\n

Is he a happy drunk in heaven with no one to disappoint and an endless supply of the only thing he ever cared about?<\/p>\n

Alcohol.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m angry, and hurt. But\u00a0I don\u2019t believe that; I don\u2019t believe he was ever happy.<\/p>\n

Addiction is a disease and it masks trauma, depression, anguish and helplessness. No one lives without family, love and clings to numbness because it\u2019s joyful, hopeful or redeeming.<\/p>\n

Still, I hate the mother f*cking cruel indifference of my alcoholic father.<\/p>\n

How alcoholics raised him and shaped and ruined.<\/p>\n

And how it sucked goodness from him and how his drinking\u00a0drained and sucked dry anyone he ever knew.<\/p>\n

As best as I know.<\/p>\n

Chaos, instability, violence and indifference \u2014 the inheritance left to children of alcoholics.<\/p>\n

I wasted so many years wondering who or how he was, if love or warmth or food could save him: From the loving parents he didn\u2019t have or if my mother had stayed or if he had kids to try harder for in his presence.<\/p>\n

And how I tried to save so many men.<\/p>\n

Once, I asked a lover, \u2018Do you drink because your life sucks or does your life suck because you drink?\u201d as though it were a question that could be asked or answered, or that the answer even mattered.<\/p>\n

His leaving was a gift I\u2019ve heard throughout my life.<\/p>\n

Maybe.<\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t a gift I was able to receive or feel knowingly, as if a bow had carefully wrapped. If it was a blessing, it was accidental.<\/p>\n

Maybe it was. Maybe.\u00a0But I doubt it.<\/p>\n

He didn\u2019t drive a car or get clean or sober or become a Dad. He just fathered.<\/p>\n

He didn\u2019t do the work of recovering from violence, his childhood and Vietnam. He didn\u2019t work to become someone anyone would be happy to see, or who \u2013 from a distance \u2013 sent cards or money to the mother of his children.<\/div>\n

Not a penny or a dime. In fact, he cost us quite a bit.\u00a0It feels so harsh and bitter.<\/p>\n

I know it\u2019s not that simple \u2014 but I don\u2019t know what it is instead.<\/p>\n

\n
This winter I won\u2019t worry if he\u2019s cold or old or lonely.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

This winter I won\u2019t worry if he has mittens or a hat or if my smile makes me look like him.<\/p>\n

Yesterday, I rode the subway for the first time now that I know he\u2019s dead.\u00a0I didn\u2019t look for or think about him.<\/p>\n

I gave $1 to a homeless guy with a cardboard sign and filthy hair and teeth, and glasses dirtier than my forever smudged ones. I didn\u2019t look for my nose on his face. I didn\u2019t wonder if we were related.<\/p>\n

It felt like relief.<\/p>\n

I walked away in the wrong direction, stopped and turned.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere you going?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m lost,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n

I started walking before he could respond because I was embarrassed and trying to get to a meeting.<\/p>\n

I thought I heard him calling \u201cMiss. Miss. Wrong direction.\u201d<\/p>\n

I turned and it was him telling me which hall to go to get to my stop.<\/p>\n

A homeless stranger helped me. I let him.<\/p>\n

Maybe he has a daughter. Maybe she\u2019s out of reach.<\/p>\n

It felt nice and good, for a moment.<\/p>\n

We\u2019re not separate. Maybe he knew we were kin; not blood related but in this mess of life together.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not only angry or sad or bitter.<\/p>\n

My heart is maybe even a little more open, a little less frightened of the pain he\u2019d rain on my life if I let him in. I always worried, wondered and tried to find the way to work the space his absence took from me.<\/p>\n

The presence of absence.<\/p>\n

Now that he\u2019s dead, I can imagine him sober.<\/p>\n

Loving, looking out like a father spirit, one who directed that guy to help me out.<\/p>\n

Even if it\u2019s fiction, I don\u2019t care.<\/p>\n

Call it God or synchronicity. I give myself what I need; what fills and fuels.<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t change the past but I can feel more whole and hopeful.<\/p>\n

My name didn\u2019t make the obituary, nor did my sister\u2019s \u2014but I can write myself in.<\/p>\n

I can add that\u00a0he served in Vietnam and that service was not nothing, no matter what else he didn\u2019t do. He was a solider. My sister has the dog tags to prove it.<\/p>\n

And it, and childhood and alcohol claimed him.<\/p>\n

Killed him.<\/p>\n

And that\u2019s not written anywhere, but it should be.<\/p>\n

But facts matter. Truth matters.<\/p>\n

A life lived matters.<\/p>\n

Even his.<\/p>\n

RIP Daddy Frank; Francis Michael White<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

as it appeared in Elephant Journal… (except obit)\u00a0 For fifty years my father remained loyal. Steadfast, he never swayed from the love he lived and died for. Not before or after he served in Vietnam. Not before or after the birth of his first child. Or his second \u2014 me. Not when his marriage started. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3526,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[171,169],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\nWhat the Obit Didn't Say, Francis Michael White - Heal Write Now for Trauma Survivors & Adults Abused as Children<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I know it\u2019s not that simple \u2014 but I don\u2019t know what it is instead.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/what-the-obit-didnt-say-francis-michael-white\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"What the Obit Didn't Say, Francis Michael White - Heal Write Now for Trauma Survivors & Adults Abused as Children\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I know it\u2019s not that simple \u2014 but I don\u2019t know what it is instead.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/what-the-obit-didnt-say-francis-michael-white\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Heal Write Now for Trauma Survivors & Adults Abused as Children\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/HealWriteNow?ref=hl\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:author\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/HealWriteNow\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2015-11-25T20:16:30+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2015-11-25T20:18:02+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/11\/daddy-frank.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1004\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"877\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@healwritenow\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:site\" content=\"@HealWriteNow\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Cissy White\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"6 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/\",\"name\":\"Heal Write Now for Trauma Survivors & Adults Abused as Children\",\"description\":\"Writing & Inspiration to Heal Trauma\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/what-the-obit-didnt-say-francis-michael-white\/#primaryimage\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/11\/daddy-frank.jpg\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/11\/daddy-frank.jpg\",\"width\":1004,\"height\":877},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/what-the-obit-didnt-say-francis-michael-white\/#webpage\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/what-the-obit-didnt-say-francis-michael-white\/\",\"name\":\"What the Obit Didn't Say, Francis Michael White - 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