{"id":3523,"date":"2015-11-25T15:09:38","date_gmt":"2015-11-25T20:09:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/healwritenow.com\/?p=3523"},"modified":"2015-11-25T15:09:38","modified_gmt":"2015-11-25T20:09:38","slug":"post-traumatic-relapse","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/post-traumatic-relapse\/","title":{"rendered":"Post-Traumatic Relapse"},"content":{"rendered":"

As it appeared on Elephant Journal<\/a><\/p>\n

This storm I see coming\u00a0has settled in on me.<\/h3>\n

Relapse\u00a0is the opposite\u00a0of the sky\u00a0opening\u00a0as clouds roll off and out and by.<\/p>\n

Relapse\u00a0is the rain that won\u2019t fall,\u00a0the ways\u00a0my eyes register\u00a0the snap of sun,\u00a0but can\u2019t feel the warmth of my loved ones love.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s\u00a0direct and strong\u00a0and ready to rip, tug,\u00a0tear or transform.\u00a0Something primal\u00a0pulls, crowds, suffocates\u00a0my deep down wisdom.<\/p>\n

If I could only melt into the connection I crave and push away,\u00a0take my soul from raw cookie dough into something edible again.\u00a0But I\u2019m too remote. Egg-yolk-covered heart is not the kind others can lick without getting sick.<\/p>\n

I miss\u00a0the slide\u00a0into\u00a0sensuousness, the fold of laughter,\u00a0the way the giggling of my girl can carry my heart over the ocean for days with refuelling.<\/p>\n

The\u00a0hungry kisses and conversation of my lover are not appetizers but feel like pressure. I issue apologies for the vacancy tattooed over every inch of me.<\/p>\n

I hate the symptoms which replace me, the tin man\u00a0I become where I had just been woman.\u00a0Aluminium cold. Mechanical. On autopilot.\u00a0Numb.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s post-traumatic relapse.<\/p>\n

I hate it even as I understand it and mindfully wait it out.<\/p>\n

It feels like being trapped naked in ocean water.<\/p>\n

How is it even possible that the fluid of my soul\u00a0becomes an ice block,\u00a0no longer swimming, moving or expanding?<\/p>\n

Breath, flesh and bone\u00a0become cement.<\/p>\n

Relapse isn\u2019t the desire for alcohol or pills or food or sex. It\u2019s the absence of passion, the disregard for life or self\u2014the numbing \u201cdon\u2019t care.\u201d<\/em>\u00a0It\u2019s the aversion to the terror\u2014a statue erected against my will which\u00a0I don\u2019t know how to un-worship.<\/p>\n

Father Time sucks me out of present time. Even Mother Nature can\u2019t ground or protect me.<\/h3>\n

Worn down by\u00a0ancient anxiety I get bitten under my sheets\u00a0by the nightmare bees\u00a0and hornets\u00a0stinging\u00a0my rest\u00a0and buzzing through me.<\/p>\n

it is a haunted irritation, an inability to control my own bodily sensations.<\/p>\n

Bounty, grace, deliverance\u00a0are ice cream toppings\u00a0slipping far from this tongue and away from the cone I usually inhabit.<\/p>\n

I know\u00a0from experience that my taste buds will return and I\u2019ll feel safe, warm and myself again.\u00a0But I want to feel me now.<\/p>\n

Being mindfully present to this pattern\u00a0is both curse and blessing.\u00a02 + 2 still equals 4. I\u2019ve been here before. But that knowledge doesn\u2019t stop it from hurting.<\/p>\n

My dog\u2019s taupe fur finds my hands\u00a0and I feel my skin under her tongue\u00a0watch her tail wag and wait for my exuberance to return.<\/p>\n

To her. To me. To my home.<\/p>\n

To my daughter who deserves better than this version of a mother.<\/p>\n

I know this.<\/p>\n

The difference with trauma is that the danger is actual, threatening and damaging. Post-traumatic stress feels just as scary, only it\u2019s the symptoms and memories which are threatening.<\/h3>\n
It\u2019s hard to navigate and differentiate.<\/div>\n

We can\u2019t do this alone. It\u2019s why trauma survivors need and benefit from community.<\/p>\n

Not to\u00a0be rescued or saved by others, but to remind each other of what we usually know, say, believe and live.<\/p>\n

We give the words to one another and are the reminders, grounding and safety that trauma steals.<\/p>\n

When we sense the\u00a0clouds are coming in\u00a0and the open windows need to be closed, we can reach for one another.<\/p>\n

We work to prevent the storms, but are not always successful.<\/p>\n

When we aren\u2019t, we help each other rally.<\/p>\n

I am always stunned by relapse.<\/p>\n

Every time I am sure it is the last.<\/p>\n

I tell myself that I am too healed, whole and moved-on to feel it again, though I know that this is false.<\/p>\n

I am both whole and capable of being hurt by trauma.<\/p>\n

So is everyone else.<\/p>\n

I read quotes, take warm baths and call friends. I hide under warm blankets, find carbs and sometimes stupid television.<\/p>\n

I try to take in a sip of air and watch the lightning crack the sky\u00a0and remember the beauty I can\u2019t yet feel.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been split like the tree and the lightning cut me open without warning.<\/p>\n

Eventually I\u2019ll feel roots back in the soil stretching up for light and sun and warmth.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

As it appeared on Elephant Journal This storm I see coming\u00a0has settled in on me. Relapse\u00a0is the opposite\u00a0of the sky\u00a0opening\u00a0as clouds roll off and out and by. Relapse\u00a0is the rain that won\u2019t fall,\u00a0the ways\u00a0my eyes register\u00a0the snap of sun,\u00a0but can\u2019t feel the warmth of my loved ones love. It\u2019s\u00a0direct and strong\u00a0and ready to rip, tug,\u00a0tear […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2754,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[171,52,75],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\nPost-Traumatic Relapse - Heal Write Now for Trauma Survivors & Adults Abused as Children<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"The difference with trauma is that the danger is actual, threatening and damaging. 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