{"id":3228,"date":"2015-07-28T20:33:36","date_gmt":"2015-07-29T00:33:36","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/healwritenow.com\/?p=3228"},"modified":"2015-07-28T20:33:36","modified_gmt":"2015-07-29T00:33:36","slug":"the-conversation-im-avoiding-having-a-laura-davis-writing-prompt","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/the-conversation-im-avoiding-having-a-laura-davis-writing-prompt\/","title":{"rendered":"The Conversation I&#8217;m Avoiding Having &#8211; A Laura Davis Writing Prompt"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>So I was over on the <a href=\"http:\/\/lauradavis.net\/the-conversation-im-avoiding\/#comment-680924\" class=\"broken_link\" rel=\"nofollow\">Laura Davis website<\/a> doing her weekly online prompt because it&#8217;s Tuesday. Each Tuesday she gives everyone a writing prompt and I don&#8217;t know how but finds a way to do so but she responds to each and every one who writes.<\/p>\n<p>It&#8217;s lovely to be a part of a community created by someone so wise and compassionate and devoted to writing. She&#8217;s also an abuse survivor though not everyone there is but it makes for a safe to share on that stuff environment.<\/p>\n<p>That said, I didn&#8217;t share or write on that topic at all today.\u00a0 Here was the topic she gave us and my response.\u00a0Her prompt\/writing invite.<img loading=\"lazy\" class=\"alignleft  wp-image-366\" src=\"https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/02\/Fotolia_36993822_XS-300x200.jpg\" alt=\"\u30ea\u30d3\u30f3\u30b0\u30a4\u30e1\u30fc\u30b8\" width=\"321\" height=\"214\" srcset=\"https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/02\/Fotolia_36993822_XS-300x200.jpg 300w, https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/02\/Fotolia_36993822_XS.jpg 424w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 321px) 100vw, 321px\" \/><\/p>\n<header class=\"entry-header\">\n<p class=\"entry-meta\"><em>\u201cThe courageous conversation is the one you don\u2019t want to have.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<\/header>\n<div class=\"entry-content\">\n<blockquote><p><em>\u2013David Whyte<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h4>Tell me about a conversation you don\u2019t want to have. Then tell me whether or not you think you\u2019ll ever have it and why.<\/h4>\n<p><!--<rdf:RDF xmlns:rdf=\"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/1999\/02\/22-rdf-syntax-ns#\" \t\t\txmlns:dc=\"http:\/\/purl.org\/dc\/elements\/1.1\/\" \t\t\txmlns:trackback=\"http:\/\/madskills.com\/public\/xml\/rss\/module\/trackback\/\"> \t\t<rdf:Description rdf:about=\"http:\/\/lauradavis.net\/the-conversation-im-avoiding\/\"     dc:identifier=\"http:\/\/lauradavis.net\/the-conversation-im-avoiding\/\"     dc:title=\"The Conversation I\u2019m Avoiding\"     trackback:ping=\"http:\/\/lauradavis.net\/the-conversation-im-avoiding\/trackback\/\" \/> <\/rdf:RDF>--><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<footer class=\"entry-footer\">\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">The conversation I don\u2019t want to have is with myself. I\u2019ve been avoiding the heck out of me and here\u2019s my tell. I\u2019ve been turning journal entries into to-do lists, fretting over money and things, obsessively on the page which usually only has truth-serum honesty.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">Not lately.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">Lately, I\u2019ve been avoiding the core where lists don\u2019t work and\u00a0it\u2019s murky and damp and quiet and maybe even a little hollow or chilly.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">The center where\u00a0all feeling resides\u00a0and there are expanses of sun and open grass and wildflowers too. I know that. But there\u2019s also cloud cover and cold and\u00a0the sun going down fast and me feeling unprepared for a night\u00a0alone under the stars.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">I keep making a camping packing list and never getting under the open sky.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">Sometimes I don\u2019t want to be that alone with myself.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">Now is one of those times.<img loading=\"lazy\" class=\"alignleft size-medium wp-image-410\" src=\"https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/11\/truth-300x210.png\" alt=\"truth\" width=\"300\" height=\"210\" srcset=\"https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/11\/truth-300x210.png 300w, https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/11\/truth-65x45.png 65w, https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/11\/truth.png 412w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/><\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">I don\u2019t want to be that still and quiet. And yet, I also don\u2019t deeply connect with others when I\u2019m here.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">I spent a lot of years craving more alone time thinking it was all my life lacked. Now that I have more freedom to carve out time for yoga or friends or long conversations I realize how often I choose mundane tasks instead.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">I often feel \u201con\u201d but not at ease and at rest.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">I avoid the \u201coff\u201d version of myself with stunning regularity. Before I controlled my own schedule\u00a0I thought my life was truly\u00a0just so busy.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">For decades at a time.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">I am so busy.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">Sure, some of it is really busy.\u00a0I\u2019m a single mother with two cats, a dog and a home.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">But also \u2013 I make myself busy the way my cousin does. I\u00a0see it in her\u00a0who is busy no matter how empty or full her emotional life or actual schedule. She\u2019s driven and plugged in and on the go.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">I worry that I&#8217;ve taught and modeled this, that I put on\u00a0roller skates before hopping onto the hamster wheel and then I complain of not feeling grounded.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">\u201cThis habit,\u201d I said to her, hoping to spare her, \u201cof constantly going and doing won\u2019t fix itself.\u201d<img loading=\"lazy\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-357 alignright\" src=\"https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/02\/543886_10200854114945949_847138566_n-300x224.jpg\" alt=\"543886_10200854114945949_847138566_n\" width=\"300\" height=\"224\" srcset=\"https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/02\/543886_10200854114945949_847138566_n-300x224.jpg 300w, https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/02\/543886_10200854114945949_847138566_n.jpg 960w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/><\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">She\u2019s not yet 30. I\u2019m close to 50. It started for me\u00a0in my teens, when on my 16th birthday I didn\u2019t feel accomplished enough for being so old and had the same feeling\u00a0on my 18th, 25th and 29th and 40th.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">It\u2019s not the years it\u2019s the me.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">Life never really slows and I told her that.\u00a0I realized as I said it that I\u2019m not sure I\u2019ve really heard myself.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">&#8220;The\u00a0key is\u00a0to her is to learn to stop blowing yourself off. The trick though is learning how. Like who can help me find the key when I&#8217;ve lost it?&#8221;<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">I&#8217;m in no position to give advice but I gave it anyway.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">My friend Kathy says it\u2019s all one word \u2013 \u201cpractices.\u201d<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">She builds in practices that catch her when she goes off track \u2013 yoga and writing. She said it\u2019s not that she stops being cray-cray but she can\u2019t pretend or ignore herself\u00a0for so long so things don&#8217;t get buried or act up and out.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\"><img loading=\"lazy\" class=\"alignleft size-medium wp-image-369\" src=\"https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/02\/Fotolia_56493036_XS1-300x200.jpg\" alt=\"sea glass seaglass with ocean , beach and seascape\" width=\"300\" height=\"200\" srcset=\"https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/02\/Fotolia_56493036_XS1-300x200.jpg 300w, https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/02\/Fotolia_56493036_XS1.jpg 424w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/>I haven\u2019t done the solid and non-negotiable practice thing yet &#8211; except with writing. And even with that I&#8217;ve got ways to avoid.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">I\u2019m no martyr. This isn\u2019t a ploy for pity \u2013 it\u2019s more of a confession I hope my deepest self hears me say.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">And an apology.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">To myself. I thought I was too cautious, a person with one foot always on the brake, riding and slowing. Actually, one foot is always on the motor, revving and I don\u2019t know how to press down full throttle or stop completely and turn the car off.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">I signed up for a meditation class online last month. It required 5 to 10 minutes a day. I did it once. In a month.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">The class was worth every penny. I know I have more than 5 minutes a month to spare. I saw that it was hard for me to take that 5 minutes ever. As in I didn&#8217;t do it. Except once.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">That was helpful to see. No one but me got in the way of that.<img loading=\"lazy\" class=\"alignleft size-medium wp-image-2136\" src=\"https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/08\/Bellafiore-heavenly-blue-morning-glory-300x225.jpg\" alt=\"OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA\" width=\"300\" height=\"225\" srcset=\"https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/08\/Bellafiore-heavenly-blue-morning-glory-300x225.jpg 300w, https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/08\/Bellafiore-heavenly-blue-morning-glory-1024x768.jpg 1024w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/><\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">Do I not feel entitled to take that 5 minutes? Am I just lazy? Is it hard to implement even what I know will be good for me?<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">Will I make that 5 minutes of mindful choice rather than the 1049 doing mindless doing, chores, numbing, zoning, weeding or doing the dishes?<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">Not yet. That\u2019s the truth I saw. Not yet.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">I had intention. But I saw that at least.\u00a0It made me realize it\u2019s not life I need to control and it\u2019s not calm I have to pray and wait for.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">Actually, it\u2019s me and I\u2019m going to have to learn to stop, stand still, sit down and rest into the earth first before I\u2019ve run myself ragged and fall over or collapse. That\u2019s not the habit or example I want to model \u2013 for my daughter or my future self who is just budding in me in this present.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">The truth is I don\u2019t yet know how to slow and still and center.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">I am busy in the center of me \u2013 producing and churning and fighting.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">This is the favorite go-to outfit I put on each morning even as I say I need a new color and fabric.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">I know how to fight, even fight myself but less how to engage, in polite and curious and warm and open conversation.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">And so I won\u2019t fight myself to stop doing this but I will notice \u2013 <em>hey \u2013 it\u2019s me doing this again. Wow, there that busy thing is happening again. Huh \u2013 more with the busy even though there are other options.<\/em><\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">My friend Kathy would say, \u201cDear sweet girl why are you running? What need are you trying to meet?\u201d<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">I\u2019m not that gentle within.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">WTF I say to myself. Really? Again?<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">I appreciate her approach. I think of her approach and it keeps mine company.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">This is where I am.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">I am not in an answer.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">I\u2019m nor even go to say why or where did it come from but just notice the ways and manner in which it comes up.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">Let\u2019s see if I can observe the pattern before trying to shift, interrupt or even make friends with it.<\/p>\n<div id=\"attachment_2173\" style=\"width: 310px\" class=\"wp-caption alignleft\"><img aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-2173\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-2173\" src=\"https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/08\/Bellafiore-Victoria-deconstructed-300x225.jpg\" alt=\"Photo Credit: Margaret Bellafiore\" width=\"300\" height=\"225\" srcset=\"https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/08\/Bellafiore-Victoria-deconstructed-300x225.jpg 300w, https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/08\/Bellafiore-Victoria-deconstructed-1024x768.jpg 1024w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-2173\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">Photo Credit: Margaret Bellafiore<\/p><\/div>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">I\u2019m not quite ready for the big conversation with myself. I\u2019m at the space where I see it\u2019s coming.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">It&#8217;s\u00a0necessary to have a heart to heart. I\u2019m\u00a0not ready to take the lid off yet though.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">But the whisper to self is there. The \u201cwe need to talk\u201d admission before the three-hour crying face to face. It\u2019s a knowing \u2013 there\u2019s something here still and it won\u2019t pass all by itself.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">It\u2019s gonna wait and need attention, like the trees I didn\u2019t invite in my yard that are growing too close to my foundation and need to be cut or dug out and removed.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">I\u2019m gathering tools. I\u2019m readying myself.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">I&#8217;m not ready to put it all together yet.<img loading=\"lazy\" class=\"alignleft size-medium wp-image-2174\" src=\"https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/08\/Bellafiore-Victoria-portrait-225x300.jpg\" alt=\"Bellafiore Victoria portrait\" width=\"225\" height=\"300\" srcset=\"https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/08\/Bellafiore-Victoria-portrait-225x300.jpg 225w, https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/08\/Bellafiore-Victoria-portrait-768x1024.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 225px) 100vw, 225px\" \/><\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">I\u2019m making tea and taking breaths and approaching the words and the space beneath words where something hides.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">I\u2019m making sure my heart is open and that I\u2019m not all tense from the get go as that rarely goes anywhere good.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">It\u2019s been put on the agenda. The subject is on the regarding line and it&#8217;s been named.<\/p>\n<p class=\"entry-meta\">\n<\/footer>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>So I was over on the Laura Davis website doing her weekly online prompt because it&#8217;s Tuesday. Each Tuesday she gives everyone a writing prompt and I don&#8217;t know how but finds a way to do so but she responds to each and every one who writes. It&#8217;s lovely to be a part of a [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[52,1,54],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v19.0 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>The Conversation I&#039;m Avoiding Having - A Laura Davis Writing Prompt - Heal Write Now for Trauma Survivors &amp; Adults Abused as Children<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/the-conversation-im-avoiding-having-a-laura-davis-writing-prompt\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The Conversation I&#039;m Avoiding Having - A Laura Davis Writing Prompt - Heal Write Now for Trauma Survivors &amp; Adults Abused as Children\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"So I was over on the Laura Davis website doing her weekly online prompt because it&#8217;s Tuesday. 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