I\u2019ve never found that someone loves me more after finding out about childhood sexual abuse.\u00a0I mean they might not love me less after I disclose it. <\/em>They might even think I\u2019m strong or resilient or better understand my trust issues after it\u2019s<\/em> been said.<\/p>\n No one has ever said, \u201cI got me an incest survivor\u2014how lucky am I?\u201d<\/p>\n I get it.<\/p>\n It <\/em>is a thing to work with, around, tolerate or accept, to deal with, recover from or not let intrude too much or totally.\u00a0And I\u2019ve hardly ever talked about how it feels to live with this while dating or in life, in general. Not in ordinary or daily conversation.\u00a0Not really.<\/p>\n And it still shocks me that this isn\u2019t more common conversation.<\/p>\n There are a lot of survivors of childhood sexual abuse.\u00a0A lot!<\/em><\/p>\n According to the best prevention organization I know of, The Mama Bear Effect<\/a>:<\/p>\n One in three or four females has experienced childhood sexual abuse. So how does it feel for those of us considering sharing this fact about our lives?\u00a0I\u2019ve wondered\u2014is it<\/em> too much or too soon?\u00a0Am I too much?<\/p>\n It<\/em> is scary<\/em> and vulnerable<\/em> and intimate.<\/em> This is not easy for anyone but it\u2019s especially uneasy for people who have been abused by people they know and trust or are related to (as 90 percent of survivors have been). In my experience, this has never been an easy thing to share.\u00a0It<\/em> makes my face red, my lips go numb and my head feel it\u2019s been pumped with air.\u00a0It<\/em> makes me stutter and drool and cry to speak the words:<\/p>\n I was abused. I was molested. I was hurt.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n For example, the blue-eyed man had his own family complexity.\u00a0We both needed flow charts and diagrams when sharing memories. Family of origin talk included words like restraining orders, homelessness, violence, alcoholics, narcissism and crazy-town.\u00a0We didn\u2019t have to even say to each other what PTSD stands for.\u00a0We both knew that. We both had that. Have that.<\/em><\/p>\n We\u2019d gone \u201cthere\u201d at least a little.<\/p>\n But I hadn\u2019t said it<\/em>\u2014that I\u2019d been molested\u00a0for years of my childhood.<\/p>\n Let me be clear\u2014I am grateful I don\u2019t have <\/em>to tell lovers about it<\/em> as I\u2019ve had to tell other lovers.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve had to tell other lovers: \u201cHere\u2019s why I cry when you are about to orgasm, penetrate or approach me from behind\u2026\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cHere\u2019s why I can\u2019t speak for moments and sometimes days if you touch me the wrong way.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cHere\u2019s why I can\u2019t wake to sex in the middle of the night.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cHere\u2019s why I don\u2019t like you to guide my hand\u2026\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cHere\u2019s why I am always ready for a fight.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cHere\u2019s why I expect you to stab me in the back and gut me like a fish even though you say you love me and seem to. Maybe because you seem to love me.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n That is hard and even more vulnerable but sometimes not sharing seemed unfair.\u00a0It has felt cruel not to be honest with a partner I\u2019ve rejected, hated, feared or shut out for wanting to be emotionally or physically intimate with me.\u00a0Sometimes context is kindness, even when it\u2019s hard to share.\u00a0But why don\u2019t we talk about this more with each other?<\/p>\n This has been a struggle I have not enjoyed but inherited.\u00a0It\u2019s not my fault I have it <\/em>to contend with and if you have it<\/em> too,\u00a0it is not yours either.<\/p>\n Today, I like, want, crave and need sex and can stay present (most of the time) and orgasm.\u00a0That\u2019s a\u00a0huge accomplishment!\u00a0It\u2019s not an accomplishment I can\u2019t put on my resume but I wish I could because it\u2019s gigantic. Why?\u00a0Because most of my life I knew\u00a0it impossible for me to be sexually whole, loved, healthy or happy.\u00a0Luckily I was wrong.\u00a0And last year, for the first time, I had the luxury of being able to ask myself, not how<\/em> will I tell him but something else: do<\/em> I want to tell?<\/p>\n Since it<\/em> is not my fault, why should I hide the truth of my experience? I don\u2019t have to share face to face unless and until I\u2019m ready. \u00a0But I choose and want to be brave about it<\/em> because I like to live feminism. I believe \u201cthe personal is political\u201d is actually true.\u00a0I believe the power of shame is diminished when we speak up and out and with one another about it.<\/em><\/p>\n But it\u2019s still scary and hard. Having a political belief or a passionate idea is not the same as sitting face to face with a lover and saying, \u201cI\u2019m a survivor.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIf he doesn\u2019t love me for who I am and all I\u2019ve been through it\u2019s better I know now.\u201d I\u2019ve said and believed that, talking to friends. That doesn\u2019t mean it\u2019s not terrifying in a gonna puke my guts out<\/em> kind of way to have this conversation.<\/p>\n He wasn\u2019t being mean or rejecting me.\u00a0I\u2019d been so somber and serious he thought I was going to tell him I murdered some one. He was relieved I\u2019d \u201cjust\u201d been abused.\u00a0But it was huge for me and it felt like I was confessing something awful about me,<\/em> not what happened to me.<\/p>\n Most survivors of childhood abuse live with so much silence, secrecy and shame for so long it feels like it <\/em>is ours and not like it was done to us\u2014by others.<\/p>\n And therapists talk to us about it <\/em>and give us medication to deal with our symptoms about it. <\/em>But it<\/em> doesn\u2019t get prevented and those that caused it <\/em>rarely get punished or held accountable.<\/p>\n This is not an article telling anyone how to tell a loved one. It\u2019s not about how we should all report our abuse (but visit\u00a0report it girl<\/a> for how if you are thinking about doing so or just sharing your story).<\/p>\n This is something millions of us live with, struggle with and anguish over.<\/p>\n Let me say something that\u2019s\u00a0said a lot but can\u2019t be said enough:\u00a0you\u2019re not alone<\/em>.<\/p>\n You are not alone. I\u00a0am not alone.\u00a0We are not alone.\u00a0We do figure it<\/em> out.\u00a0And considering our quite real and valid reasons to be afraid,\u00a0our bravery and trust at all is astounding.\u00a0Sometimes we are graceful and other times bumbling.\u00a0Sometimes we wish we shared more and other times we wish we didn\u2019t say a word.\u00a0Sometimes our honesty makes bonds stronger. And sometimes it does not.<\/p>\n In every instance we are gold-medal brave.<\/p>\n So, if you are in or have been or someday might be in this situation, let me say this:<\/p>\n I know it\u2019s not easy. There\u2019s no guide book or chapter in the dating books. There\u2019s no 100 ways to know how a partner will respond. It\u2019s only one tiny little aspect of being a survivor of sexual abuse.<\/p>\n It can actually be all trauma all of the time for a long time.\u00a0You can be scared, terrified and uncertain and still you matter.\u00a0You can feel unsafe while you actually are safe. You can feel safe while you actually are unsafe.\u00a0You can suffer with post-traumatic stress and you still matter.<\/p>\n You are not alone.\u00a0<\/em>You survived childhood sexual abuse and you are an adult now.\u00a0I\u2019m impressed. That takes something. Congratulations!<\/p>\n I end with a visual here.<\/p>\nI\u2019ve never said, \u201cI\u2019m so glad to be an incest survivor.\u201d\u00a0Not once.
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<\/h2>\n
\nOne\u00a0in six or seven males has experienced childhood sexual abuse.<\/p>\nNot matter which stats you believe they add up to this\u2014a lot!\u00a0<\/em>We are everywhere!<\/h2>\n
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<\/p>\nIt is never easy to say\u2014even with someone who also has a complicated family history.<\/h2>\n
And I didn\u2019t know if it<\/em>\u00a0would be more than he could bear, understand or accept. I wonder how others navigate these conversations and ruminations about if or how to tell?<\/h2>\n
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<\/p>\n\u201cHere\u2019s why I shut down when you\u2019re angry.\u201d<\/em><\/h2>\n
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<\/p>\nIt<\/em> didn\u2019t define me. It<\/em> is a part of me, but not all of me.\u00a0It<\/em> became something a size of which I can manage.<\/span><\/h2>\n
After I told one lover, he actually laughed.<\/h2>\n
This is an article about me asking out loud how to live with the question\u2014how to tell it.<\/em><\/h2>\n
You are not alone.<\/em><\/h2>\n
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<\/em><\/p>\n