{"id":3143,"date":"2015-06-17T14:53:16","date_gmt":"2015-06-17T18:53:16","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/healwritenow.com\/?p=3143"},"modified":"2015-06-17T14:53:16","modified_gmt":"2015-06-17T18:53:16","slug":"the-surprising-benefits-of-growing-up-without-a-dad","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/the-surprising-benefits-of-growing-up-without-a-dad\/","title":{"rendered":"The Surprising Benefits of Growing Up Without a Dad"},"content":{"rendered":"

My father left before I turned 1. I got his nose, last name and lousy vision.<\/h3>\n

He was gone before I acquired a vocabulary. I never got to string together the three letters that make the\u00a0Dad sound.<\/p>\n

Not once.<\/p>\n

He didn\u2019t get to see me grow up.<\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t get to see him age.<\/p>\n

My teen mother raised us on her own without financial or emotional support.<\/p>\n

There are undeniable losses. They are\u00a0obvious and documented. I’ve written about them here<\/a>, here <\/a>and here<\/a>\u00a0and in my journals.<\/p>\n

But there are gains, benefits and unintended positive consequences of having an absent father too.<\/p>\n

Especially, when that man\u00a0is\u00a0violent, alcoholic and unstable.<\/p>\n

As mine was.<\/p>\n

His presence was short-lived, toxic and dangerous even\u00a0before<\/em> he went to Vietnam.<\/p>\n

If he stayed I can’t imagine things would have improved.\u00a0Had he stayed I would have missed out on having him or a decent father. I would have had addiction, more violence and chaos.<\/p>\n

For all I know his\u00a0absence may have been an act of grace and the\u00a0only way\u00a0to limit the reach of his pain,\u00a0chaos and addiction.<\/p>\n

I don’t claim to know or understand the reasons for his\u00a0actions or inactions. I can’t know the life I would have had had I had a different life.<\/p>\n

I only know the man who is my father is a stranger who shares my blood. He is a man I do\u00a0not know, miss or remember.<\/p>\n

A man I grew\u00a0up referring to as\u00a0Daddy Frank.<\/p>\n

I don’t know who Frank White as a man. What I miss is a role in my life he was the only one to have.<\/p>\n

To not have a father is far from optimal.<\/p>\n

There are real dangers and hazards to being unfathered but that doesn\u2019t mean being unfathered is all bad.<\/p>\n

This isn\u2019t denial or spin.<\/p>\n

Absence is\u00a0real, painful and consequential.<\/p>\n

However, though rarely discussed, there are some <\/em>positive, useful and beneficial aspects to being unfathered. They are worthy of note as well.<\/p>\n

There are times I feel as empowered as my peers with fathers. There are times I feel more<\/strong> empowered than my peers who do have\u00a0fathers. Sometimes they seem to have bigger\u00a0\u201cdaddy issues\u201d than I do.\"0313141016-1\"<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t get me wrong here.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not recommending, romanticizing or claiming it\u2019s better to be fatherless than to have a loving and responsible father.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s nonsense. It\u2019s not. The world needs men who are strong and present fathers.<\/p>\n

But that’s not what everyone gets and we survive and live and do more than make due.<\/p>\n

Absence brings loss, of course, and pain – but also space.<\/p>\n

Living without a man to call Dad brings traits, skills and life-lesson insights.<\/p>\n

\"oldI’ve grieved the losses of absence but have rarely counted the blessings.<\/p>\n

At midlife, I notice there are a few. For me, they are:<\/p>\n

There\u2019s nothing I think is a man\u2019s job. <\/strong><\/p>\n

Not oil changes. Not mowing the lawn. Not buying groceries. Not lighting the pilot when the furnace goes out. Not home inspections or paying rent. I\u2019ve witnessed women doing all of these things and done or had them done myself. Responsibilities aren\u2019t gendered.<\/p>\n

I know fathers are optional. <\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve seen and lived in homes without men. Others have done so too. We do more than endure, survive or thrive or any other shrunk-wrapped words or terms. We\u2019ve lived with it\u2014our circumstances\u2014like everyone else does. Food gets made. Gas is put in cars. Air is breathed. Bills get paid. It\u2019s possible to have a full life and decent family without a father. Not easy, but possible. Men are necessary in the world but not needed in all homes.\"web<\/p>\n

No man gives me or \u201cmy hand\u201d away to anyone.<\/strong><\/p>\n

No guy has to approve of my dates, be asked for \u201cmy hand\u201d or walk me down the aisle. I\u2019m never literally or symbolically handed over or off to someone. I decide and ritualize dating, mating or long-term whatevers. My name is my own as is my financial agency. This is a liberation beyond symbolism. This is a form of empowerment I wouldn\u2019t trade. In matters of love, marriage and partnership the first, last and middle word is mine\u2014as is my hand, body and heart.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t have to worry about pleasing or pissing off Daddy<\/strong>.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
I know many adults terrified of or upset by paternal judgments or pressures. Fathers love daughters. Daughters love fathers. That love doesn\u2019t guarantee being seen, liked, cherished or approved of\u2014things that feel bad when deprived. I am not burdened by this angst and the worry that my essential nature, career or love life choices are okay with a father and don\u2019t have to feel, live and know that when I look in his eyes.<\/div>\n

I don\u2019t owe anyone.<\/strong> \"tipjar\"<\/p>\n

No one pays off my loans, fixes what\u2019s broken or spends valuable down time regularly attending to my needs. I shop for my own vehicles and get my plumbing fixed. I\u2019m not indebted to be grateful, show respect or appreciation and return love and favors. I don\u2019t feel daughterly obligations or responsibilities.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t spend any of my life force energy policing, worrying about or talking about how my father thinks or acts or lives.<\/strong><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t angst over how he\u2019s treating siblings (his or mine) or if he\u2019s a cheap bastard on my mother\u2019s birthday. I don\u2019t worry if he\u2019s eating too much salt or not exercising enough despite a health condition or that his forgetfulness is sign of decline. If he\u2019s rude to a waitresses if he\u2019s had too many I don\u2019t feel embarrassed or apologize for him. Ever.<\/p>\n

I appreciate and admire men who take fatherhood seriously. <\/strong><\/p>\n

There are many with loving, present and hardworking dads who don\u2019t seem to realize that they are lucky or that their fathers are exhausted and overextended. They seem to think competent fathers are a birthright and not a privilege.<\/p>\n

I appreciate small acts of kindness more than they appreciate constant love and nurturing. I know being present, mindfully and physically, is not a choice everyone is capable of or willing to make.<\/p>\n

I know how to take care of myself and have done so. \"file4681275234167-265x150[1]\"<\/strong><\/p>\n

…\u00a0my auto insurance bill or dentist bill.
\n… my heart if it\u2019s crushed.
\n… my computer if it dies, my washing machine if it breaks and my car if it stalls.<\/p>\n

I’m grateful for my resourcefulness even if not for the reasons I got skilled. This is a unconventional card\/gratitude note for my “lemon” of a father.<\/p>\n

With sugar, hard squeezing and the steeping of time a brew gets made. A life. It\u2019s not all sour. I can sip, swallow and digest it now.<\/p>\n

The flavor isn\u2019t only\u00a0bitter.\u00a0\"Lemon<\/p>\n

There are\u00a0moments I even\u00a0savor.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My father left before I turned 1. I got his nose, last name and lousy vision. He was gone before I acquired a vocabulary. I never got to string together the three letters that make the\u00a0Dad sound. Not once. He didn\u2019t get to see me grow up. I didn\u2019t get to see him age. My […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1390,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\nThe Surprising Benefits of Growing Up Without a Dad - Heal Write Now for Trauma Survivors & Adults Abused as Children<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/the-surprising-benefits-of-growing-up-without-a-dad\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The Surprising Benefits of Growing Up Without a Dad - Heal Write Now for Trauma Survivors & Adults Abused as Children\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"My father left before I turned 1. I got his nose, last name and lousy vision. 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