{"id":2479,"date":"2014-11-09T11:08:11","date_gmt":"2014-11-09T16:08:11","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/healwritenow.com\/?p=2479"},"modified":"2014-11-09T21:00:50","modified_gmt":"2014-11-10T02:00:50","slug":"lena-dunham-sibling-molestation-sexual-play","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/lena-dunham-sibling-molestation-sexual-play\/","title":{"rendered":"Lena Dunham & Why Sibling Molestation is Not Amusing or Sexual Play"},"content":{"rendered":"

Dedicated to\u00a0my step-sister who also remembers.\u00a0\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\n
\n

I can\u2019t write off Lena Dunham\u2019s descriptions <\/a>of molesting her little sister as inconsequential even though I like her work, humor and politics.\u00a0It\u2019s not part of the\u00a0right-wing conspiracy to be critical or question what she described doing in her memoir.<\/p>\n

Just because same sex or sibling molestation can be less violent, extreme or shocking than adult on child molestation doesn\u2019t mean it\u2019s healthy or funny.<\/p>\n

The most damaging aspect of same-sex sibling molestation is how agonizingly confusing and overwhelming it is. And for many of us, it’s one small part of a larger dysfunctional family story where sexual trauma is being re-enacted, repeated or acted out on younger siblings by older ones.<\/p>\n

It’s complicated.<\/p>\n

I know.<\/p>\n

I loved my\u00a0step-sister. We shared the same first and middle name as me \u2013 Christine M<\/em>arie \u2013 and the same baby brother. Christine was four years older than me which means when I was in first grade she was in fifth. When I was in fifth grade she was starting high school.\u00a0She never\u00a0treated\u00a0me like an annoying little sister, though I sometimes was. Usually, she was kind.\u00a0I looked up to her, followed her and thought her cool, worldly and beautiful. She found me funny, smart and sweet.\u00a0We even loved the same dog.<\/p>\n

All of that was true.<\/p>\n

As is this.<\/p>\n

Sometimes I woke in my bunk bed with her masturbating on my thigh. Other times she would slide her hands under my shirt during long car rides while we were put in the way back.\u00a0Christine had sex with a friend, in the bed, while I was in the corner. When I was about fourteen and visiting her apartment she\u00a0did drugs, drank and invited over\u00a0a neighbor\u00a0named Horny Howie who\u00a0liked\u00a0to open the top of my shirt and look it.<\/p>\n

<\/h2>\n

I let him and she did too and probably for the same reason.\u00a0Horny Howie\u2019s behavior was odd, uncomfortable and gross and it was also familiar.<\/h2>\n

Horny Howie was\u00a0like her father, my step-father – the guy I called Dad.\u00a0“Dad” came into my life\u00a0before I had\u00a0a vocabulary or was out of diapers and while my “real” father was in Vietnam and were separated. Dad was 45,\u00a0divorced, smoked and had four children from a previous marriage.\u00a0My mother was nineteen and had two babies and an ex who was abusive, alcoholic and in Vietnam.<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n
Dad was older than my grandmother and his kids were the same age as my aunts.\u00a0Boundaries and clear cut roles were fuzzy and stretched.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Christine’s life wasn’t much more clear.\u00a0She was the youngest and only girl of Dad\u2019s children. I’m guessing he\u00a0fondled her,\u00a0did post-shower inspections to make sure naked bodies were really clean and\u00a0forced lip kissing, hugging and sitting on his lap, as he did with us. He wasn\u2019t secretive about\u00a0thigh grabbing or ass pinching as it was considered\u00a0who and how he was. Annoying, fresh and\u00a0\u201cdirty old man\u201d were the kinds of phrases my mother used to describe him. In other words, his\u00a0 behavior that was tolerated, normalized\u00a0and continuous.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
For many of us, abuse by an older sibling is one part of a bigger dysfunctional whole. For many of us, sexual inappropriateness in\u00a0childhood is as\u00a0common and irritating as mosquitos are –\u00a0frequent.\u00a0pesky and out in force when it’s dark.\u00a0I didn’t have\u00a0insect repellant as a kid or a mother who\u00a0sprayed it on.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
My reading is filtered through my experience – and it’s personal – but it’s also political – because the personal is political.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
My step-brother, ten years my senior, had a problem with drugs and used to\u00a0torture\u00a0bugs, animals and people. Once, I watched as he\u00a0strangled my aunt once during a vacation\u00a0before another bother stopped him. He was the oldest and\u00a0like a wasp that didn\u2019t even die after stinging.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
I despised him and my step father.\u00a0But not Christine.\u00a0I loved her, admired her and never\u00a0feared,\u00a0protested\u00a0or squirmed away.\u00a0Her molestation wasn’t the most frightening thing done to me a s a child but it did mess with my head.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Being molested by my step-sister made me feel strange and spacey. I didn\u2019t know words like \u201cNo\u201d or \u201cStop\u201d and had no one to say them to. I responded the\u00a0way a child does –\u00a0with my body. I ate too much, wet the bed and tied all four corners of my purple and white sheet to the metal top bunk over my mattress. There, I could climb in, alone and hide while swinging myself to sleep.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n

My step-sister was not an adult.\u00a0It’s not her fault she was left in charge of me so often.\u00a0I realize\u00a0she was\u00a0missing\u00a0boundaries, rules, attuned parents and any knowledge about safety or privacy.\u00a0\u00a0She was acting out the abuse likely done to her.\u00a0For this reason\u00a0I don’t think of her as\u00a0a sexual predator.<\/p>\n

\n

According to Twitter<\/a>\u00a0Grace Dunham isn’t calling her sister one either.<\/p>\n

\n

But that doesn’t mean what\u00a0was done is funny.<\/p>\n

\n

With\u00a0Christine I learned that love and abuse are often simultaneous. Childhood help me get skilled\u00a0at putting up with\u00a0betrayal and being dismissed and invisible. Because of\u00a0Christine I learned that people I love and admire\u00a0will use me for their sexual pleasure. I learned that whether I was awake or asleep I could substitute for a blow-up doll for someone else\u2019s desire, acting out or compulsion.<\/p>\n

\n

Guess how fun that makes developing a healthy sense of self and an embodied sexuality?\u00a0 It\u2019s a long-ass time and process which is\u00a0agonizingly grueling and brutal. It\u2019s possible, mercifully, but it\u2019s not quick or easy.<\/p>\n

<\/h1>\n

This took\u00a0years of work to untangle. By years I mean decades.<\/h1>\n

Plus,\u00a0please don\u2019t call sexual molestation sexual exploration.\u00a0 Don’t make light or funny and don’t assume it’s the same as\u00a0normal\u00a0sibling or friend exploration.\u00a0Even same age sexual experiences can\u00a0be exploitive. We know bullying happens between same age kids in school or neighborhoods. It happens at home as well. It’s not less serious because it’s between the same sex, or siblings or in private.<\/p>\n

This is part of the reason some of us are so “triggered” and upset. In fact, Lena Dunham has apologized for being insensitive. I’m glad.\u00a0Apology accepted.<\/a><\/p>\n

But\u00a0 it’s no joke. It’s not funny. And for many of us is part of a bigger and serious family problem.<\/p>\n

Note: I\u2019m on the speaker\u2019s bureau for RAINN (Rape and Incest National Network) and\u00a0have\u00a0shared my sibling (and step-father) molestation in\u00a0a forthcoming book by Rebecca Street\u00a0entitled, You Can Help <\/a><\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\"Photo

Photo credit: Margaret Bellafiore<\/p><\/div>\n

<\/h2>\n
\"Photo

Photo credit: Margaret Bellafiore<\/p><\/div>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Dedicated to\u00a0my step-sister who also remembers.\u00a0\u00a0 I can\u2019t write off Lena Dunham\u2019s descriptions of molesting her little sister as inconsequential even though I like her work, humor and politics.\u00a0It\u2019s not part of the\u00a0right-wing conspiracy to be critical or question what she described doing in her memoir. Just because same sex or sibling molestation can be […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2151,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[52,45],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\nLena Dunham & Why Sibling Molestation is Not Amusing or Sexual Play - Heal Write Now for Trauma Survivors & Adults Abused as Children<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"We have a feminist movement that wants men at college to require consent and permission before any sexual act and says that a 17-year old Lena Dunham can bribe-to-fondle her 11-year old sister just because it\u2019s her sister and they are girls?\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/lena-dunham-sibling-molestation-sexual-play\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Lena Dunham & Why Sibling Molestation is Not Amusing or Sexual Play - 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