{"id":1830,"date":"2014-06-27T17:51:42","date_gmt":"2014-06-27T21:51:42","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/healwritenow.com\/?p=1830"},"modified":"2014-06-29T10:36:41","modified_gmt":"2014-06-29T14:36:41","slug":"mindful-ptsd-is-easier-with-community","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/mindful-ptsd-is-easier-with-community\/","title":{"rendered":"The Sisterhood of Developmental Trauma Recovery"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201cIf I was dissociating, I wouldn\u2019t feel so anxious,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n

\u201cOr you might – but you just wouldn\u2019t know it,\u201d I replied.<\/p>\n

We laughed the PTSD laugh.<\/p>\n

This is how survivors talk to one another. We don\u2019t flashback together or complain about our parents. We talk about how our present day symptoms (numbness, anxiety, nightmares and fearfulness) are like gum in the hair, leaks in the roof and jack hammers to the nervous system. They won’t be ignored, are messy and intrude uninvited.<\/p>\n

Developmental trauma (http:\/\/www.traumacenter.org\/products\/pdf_files\/preprint_dev_trauma_disorder.pdf<\/a>) is a newer phrase, like Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Both basically mean\u00a0that\u00a0trauma was repeated, at the hands of loved ones, and throughout childhood while the nervous system is developing.<\/p>\n

Or,\u00a0abuse was the peanut butter.\u00a0Neglect the jelly. Childhood the bread of our being they were spread\u00a0upon.<\/strong><\/h2>\n

Clinically, adverse childhood events\u00a0leave scars on\u00a0mental and physical health throughout the life cycle, as\u00a0documented in the ACE STUDY (http:\/\/www.cdc.gov\/violenceprevention\/acestudy\/<\/a>).<\/p>\n

Being a survivor of childhood abuse is common but talking\u00a0about the struggle to live, love and parent well after being raised in hell is still\u00a0rare.<\/p>\n

So, meeting a woman to talk writing, life and surviving is still exciting for me.<\/p>\n

We were going to a bookstore coffee shop, our version of a VFW, to share techniques for clearing the never ending sink full of dirty dishes in our brain.<\/strong><\/h2>\n

A panic attack took precedence. She called to cancel and apologize as though her panic was an insult to me. It wasn\u2019t. I was impressed that she didn\u2019t make up a lie. I know it\u2019s hard to be that honest.<\/p>\n

Coping well and being calm during crisis can be a personality trait, like always wearing dangly earrings. It\u2019s difficult to give up because the perks for being accomplished and productive are so good and the rewards for nurturing the self so invisible and low.<\/p>\n

Few say, \u201cOh, you said no, refused to be have sex when you weren\u2019t in the mood or went pee without making yourself hold it for three hours. Nice job.\u201d This can be the work though of survivors though.<\/p>\n

To be emotionally available and responsive to others, it turns out I have to be emotionally present and responsive to myself. This is not good news and I recoil a little inside every time I remember.<\/p>\n

The spilling of actual emotions is as appealing as letting snot leak from the nose or pus ooze from a cut. My default setting is to greet my feelings with the same \u201cWhat the fuck do you need now?\u201d response I received in childhood.<\/p>\n

But I\u2019m not a child anymore.<\/strong><\/h2>\n

\u201cThe only abuser left in your life,\u201d a yoga teacher once said to me in a private session, \u201cIs you.\u201d You need to parent yourself the way you wish you had been parenting.” I wondered who would keep me in line if I got all soft and slouchy. That was a decade ago.<\/p>\n

Now, I slip into high self-hate and low self-acceptance when I\u2019m post-traumatically stressed out (parenting, in a relationship, having menopause symptoms or when a relative dies).<\/p>\n

Emotional health requires staying present at least some of the time. Staying present is a challenge for seasoned meditators staring at sunsets and sunflowers. For those who were helpless child, staying present with violation at the hands staying present was impossible. We learned how to do the opposite.<\/p>\n

We rock at staying absent.\"sunflower<\/p>\n

As a child, I air lifted myself out of my body and right into my brain. I played dead or become one with the ceiling. It felt like hiding in a corner while the house was robbed. I was the house. Relatives were the robbers. Now, I am learning to give up my favorite coping skills. And when I do, all of those old sensations are stored in the stillness. They waited for me to mature and center. That seems so mean.<\/p>\n

But this is the work and sometimes it pisses me off that my energy is spent on this.<\/p>\n

I often look for an easier way. I wonder how old I\u2019ll be when I\u2019m done unraveling the knots in my nervous system.<\/p>\n

Often, I\u2019m pissed.<\/p>\n

If X didn\u2019t abuse and Y responded better and Z never happened in the first place, my life would be easier, better and happier.<\/em><\/strong><\/h2>\n

However, I remember social change NEVER happens because white people say, \u201cYou want to sit on the bus too?\u201d to blacks, or because straight people say, \u201cI\u2019m not getting married until gays can.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n

Breaking the cycle and fighting for justice is always an uphill battle.<\/em><\/p>\n

Still, I\u2019m sick of being sick of the process.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been an adult longer than I was a child and I don\u2019t want to be impacted. Can\u2019t I at least circle new drains or upgrade the scenery on this repeat track? I don\u2019t want to have to do regular exercise to keep off the emotional pounds.<\/p>\n

I feel burdened, exhausted and martyred at times, wearing an itchy wool coat I can\u2019t disrobe. I imagine how it would feel for cool air to lift my arm hairs but I don\u2019t have the skills to disrobe.\"010\"<\/p>\n

It is not the presence of bad (abuse) but the absence of good (love, attachment, boundaries, modeling) that injures children into adulthood. Most of have learned not to drink, abuse and be violent (yay us) but the more subtle aspects of self-care and recovery are healthy nurturing, interdependence, making time for love and joy. Those can be mysterious.<\/p>\n

What I know is talking to other survivors helps most. We can laugh about missing the \u201cease\u201d of numbness while knowing the agony of being emotionally blunted isn\u2019t worth the trade off. We can share how strenuous the process feels and is. And we can learn from each other.<\/p>\n

This new friend risked being authentic and vulnerable, let down her walls and defenses and showed me what intimacy is. Because she was honest about her struggle I was able to be more honest with myself and get to my own yoga mat later in the day.\u00a0We know how we are exquisitely skills at denying and ignoring our bodies, needs and sensations, which helped us survive childhood. We know we need constant reminders to come back into ourselves now. We are responsible for the care and tending of our souls now which you wouldn’t think would be so easy to forget… but it is.<\/p>\n

Talking with her, I was reminded, survivors have symptoms. They can linger for a long time. That\u2019s just how it is. I don\u2019t think any less of her. I felt no judgment, no hating and no rebuke. We helped each other.<\/p>\n

Most days, we are high-functioning warriors building and rebuilding lives and selves. On those days, there is no shortage of people to talk with and relate to and bond with.<\/strong><\/h2>\n

But on the days we feel tipped over inside by trauma, we need one another, people who get it as though we are sharing the same orange and saying, \u201cIt\u2019s juicy, tangy, messy and sweet.\u201d It\u2019s a sensory, tactile knowing not theoretical or abstract or requiring a co-pay or short educational asides.<\/p>\n

I crave more of this. I have always craved this. I want to be able to say and hear others talking about\u00a0the important and unglamorous healing of developmental trauma.<\/p>\n

I want to hear people who document and describe what\u00a0breaking the cycle actually requires. If it were easier, fewer people would be drinking, smoking and in bad relationships.<\/p>\n

We aren\u2019t children anymore. True. But it doesn’t mean, as adults, we magically learned better coping skills and habits of love.<\/p>\n

Plus<\/strong>,we are never too old to be reminded we are not alone.<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Dedicated to – you know who you are! Thank you!<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cIf I was dissociating, I wouldn\u2019t feel so anxious,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n

\u201cOr you might – but you just wouldn\u2019t know it,\u201d I replied.<\/p>\n

We laughed the PTSD laugh.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not sure I\u2019ve ever said that out loud,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut I know exactly what you mean,\u201d I said. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":642,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[52,48,75,40],"tags":[125],"yoast_head":"\nThe Sisterhood of Developmental Trauma Recovery - Heal Write Now for Trauma Survivors & Adults Abused as Children<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/healwritenow.com\/mindful-ptsd-is-easier-with-community\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The Sisterhood of Developmental Trauma Recovery - Heal Write Now for Trauma Survivors & Adults Abused as Children\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"\u201cIf I was dissociating, I wouldn\u2019t feel so anxious,\u201d she said. \u201cOr you might - but you just wouldn\u2019t know it,\u201d I replied. 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