Thanks for the correction Kathy. I do know that can happen in intimate relationships that are solid, built on friendship, etc. I’m reading a book about dating, relationships and attachment right now. It’s very light on attachment theory though some of the basics are there. But it boils it down into avoidant, secure and anxious and how all types show up in relationship.
It’s been interesting to read. It’s called Attached. But I’m with you in believing that the solid attachment works has to be done IN the self and with safe others and that process is amazing, rewarding and satisfying. I eventually want a serious relationship too but that’s not entirely in my hands. And I can be happy no matter what. Yay.
Thanks again for the note. Cissy

Kathy,
Thanks for writing and for all of the great thoughts and resources and sharing. I had a friend in college big into peer counseling and it was peers, face to face, sharing tears, yawns, shaking or laughing. I may be forgetting one but there was something genius about it. It was back and forth, give and take, and just understood that human sharing back and forth was the connection and the cure. And free. The older I get the more I like that model and concept because it’s not about fixing or brainy answers – just being with emotions, reality and complexity.
As for romance, I believe secure is possible but I’m not sure when that means it will be possible with and for me. We shall see. But no desperation either. It feels good to be able to open (and close) the heart and sit with all that happens in that process. Without diving into the carbs too too much.
Now I must check out some of those resources you shared.
Thank you!
Cissy

My plan is to “be the change you seek,” as Ghandi or Mandela said — then a good-hearted mate will find me. Either way, I’ll find deep peace in my soul.

Look, Ma, no hunting or begging – for once in my life! I’ve been begging since birth for a scrap of love like Oliver with his begging bowl, and I’m done. Dating website emails go right to my spam folder now.

I know it’s possible to earn secure attachment, even for ACEers like me who’ve had developmental trauma “since the sperm hit the egg” and thus the world’s worst case of anxious attachment. I know, because as I force myself to share my most gut-wrenching fears and most body-wracking tears, in person, face-to-face, with entirely platonic “Safe People,” I’ve felt a deep movement of architectonic plates down in my body and soul.

I’ve felt a tiny, new, fragile, and yes vulnerable part of myself growing slowly but surely for the last few years. And yes there is no magic bullet; it takes time; months and years. But hey, what else have we got to do if not finally feel some mental health? “For everything else, there’s MasterCard.”

Romance would wreck this process because a romantic partner “wants” something from us that we can’t do right now. “Safe People” (there’s a book by that title by John Townsend and Henry Cloud) do not want anything from us period. They’re just humans like me: my grief partner, my girl friend, my Al Anon sponsor, my therapist — anyone who’ll simply sit with me for 30-60 minutes once or twice a week and do compassionate listening. Like Hello Kitty; she has no mouth; only big eyes that listen deeply.

And as they watch me share myself, they start to feel safe with me, because if I model it for them that emotions are a good thing to share, their mammalian brains pick up the vibe — and then they start to share their fears and tears as well. That’s how attachment works: deep eye contact and emotional sharing; google “Limbic Resonance.” The goal is to make these eye-to-eye meetings a two-way street, not a “charity date.” That’s why the Grief Recovery Handbook works; http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/featured-topics/grief-recovery/

Whereas deep eye contact with a prospective date will lead us nowhere but the bedroom, which never cured anyone’s broken heart.