Comments on: The Joy of Sex with a Survivor https://healwritenow.com/the-joy-of-sex-with-a-survivor-or-throw-back-thursday-for-raw-recovery-writing/ Writing & Inspiration to Heal Trauma Sun, 27 Mar 2016 12:02:06 +0000 hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=5.8.5 By: Sara https://healwritenow.com/the-joy-of-sex-with-a-survivor-or-throw-back-thursday-for-raw-recovery-writing/#comment-63363 Sat, 05 Mar 2016 01:39:57 +0000 http://healwritenow.com/?p=3833#comment-63363 In reply to Cissy White.

Thank you for hearing me, Cissy. It’s taken me a very long time to start coming to terms with the brokenness inside and right now, everything inside is coated with broken glass. The shame is overwhelming sometimes. I feel like the recovery process is just too painful and there is no light (hope) at the end of the tunnel to keep me moving forward through it. Writing what I did was difficult and I cried the whole way through but it kind of broke open something inside, in a good albeit painful way. One day, maybe I will have your perspective. Thank you for writing and being so honest in your journey.

]]> By: Cissy White https://healwritenow.com/the-joy-of-sex-with-a-survivor-or-throw-back-thursday-for-raw-recovery-writing/#comment-63345 Fri, 04 Mar 2016 18:39:13 +0000 http://healwritenow.com/?p=3833#comment-63345 In reply to Sara.

Dear Sara:
What a heartbreaking message. Thank you for writing. Part of me wants to argue, “Don’t give up on love or what you want and need.” But even more, I just want to honor and witness and say I’m sorry for the experiences you’ve had, for the traumas you have lived through and for the aftermath. It can be so hard to date, under any circumstances, but to not be seen or heard or respected and when you are in pain. I winced reading your comment feeling for you. I love the power in you saying you will never settle for anything less than safe sex. THAT is brave. THAT is strong. THAT is important. I hope you honor yourself for that. And I’m sorry you are afraid – and for so many reasons.
I can share that I honestly believed into my 40’s that sex, healthy and present and positive, was impossible for me. I’m glad I was wrong but I just didn’t believe it sooner. It was always difficult or bad or extremely strained and that’s not easy to say. but despite a lot of evidence that it was and might always be bad – it has not stayed that way. I know the shame that can come though so thank you for sharing as much as you did. Cissy

]]> By: Cissy White https://healwritenow.com/the-joy-of-sex-with-a-survivor-or-throw-back-thursday-for-raw-recovery-writing/#comment-63344 Fri, 04 Mar 2016 18:33:55 +0000 http://healwritenow.com/?p=3833#comment-63344 In reply to Sarah.

Dear Sarah:
Thank you for sharing. Another woman also said that though she is not a survivor she feels a lot of these things. I think there are so many things that can make it hard to feel at ease, safe and comfortable whether at a doctor’s office or with our partners in bed when there is love. I think it’s o.k. to say, “Wait” or “stop” or to change things up whenever we feel like an object (for any reason) and I say that knowing it’s not easy. I’m glad for these conversations even though they aren’t easy. Thank you for writing. Cissy

]]> By: Sara https://healwritenow.com/the-joy-of-sex-with-a-survivor-or-throw-back-thursday-for-raw-recovery-writing/#comment-63296 Fri, 04 Mar 2016 00:20:37 +0000 http://healwritenow.com/?p=3833#comment-63296 I’m 40 years old and a virgin. I’ve had intimate moments but never intercourse. My first time touching a man was at age 6 and he forced me to put my hands on him. He did something else on another occasion but my brain won’t allow me to remember beyond a certain point. There were other boys and men throughout my childhood, who put their hands on me and I couldn’t defend myself. I always told myself that I just want sex with one man, the man I marry, because then I will know he loves me and it will be safe and good. And I’m a Christian so my faith requires abstinence, which is a good thing. But in my experience, men don’t love without sex and they don’t want to hear about my past. They want me to get over it because “they are different” and I should feel safe. Ten years ago, one bf got angry because I got defensive and shoved him away hard when he threw me down on a futon and jumped on top of me. He said I treated him like he was a predator. He was a good man but in that moment, he felt like a predator and I reacted in both fear and anger. I begged for forgiveness. He loved me but he never understood and I ended the relationship. A couple years ago, I tried a relationship again and was very up front from the beginning. He was understanding at first but he ultimately decided one night that the best approach would be to continue touching me after I said “no” so that I would see it would all be okay if I just pushed through the anxiety. I couldn’t even use my voice at that point; I was just frozen. It wasn’t okay and when I finally found my voice and made that clear, he belittled me, criticized my body and told me I was wasting his time. So many lines in this piece resonate deep within me. I don’t believe anymore that I am meant to be loved in that way or that I will ever experience safe sex. And I don’t mean sex with a condom. I will never settle for anything less than safe sex but I’m not even brave enough to go on a date anymore. I already have a dog, a cat and a bunch of chickens. One day I’ll have a horse and maybe by then, I won’t grieve anymore for the innocence that was stolen, the hope that has died and the love I never got to share.

]]> By: Sarah https://healwritenow.com/the-joy-of-sex-with-a-survivor-or-throw-back-thursday-for-raw-recovery-writing/#comment-63295 Thu, 03 Mar 2016 23:56:13 +0000 http://healwritenow.com/?p=3833#comment-63295 I don’t have memories of being abused, but I used to have body memories (not being able to even open my legs for a doctor’s exam) but a lot of this still sounds like me. I adore my husband, but he can’t seem like all he wants is sex, he can’t seem like he’s totally turned on by my body. It disgusts me when he does because then I feel like an object.

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