Dear Lily:
Thank you for sharing this tender and kind letter TO YOURSELF. It’s beautiful and affirming and isn’t it powerful to be a witness to your own self and to support and befriend yourself even as you struggle or feel self-doubt or self-loathing? I’m grateful you wrote. THANK YOU!!!
Cissy

Wow …little girl you have been through a lot in 55 years and you survived. It is especially hard now with covid pulling up so many bad memories. Gaining weight and beating yourself up about it. Just remember the good stuff. You are a true friend, and a good person and you stand up for what is true and good in this world. YOU are not a racist! You keep telling yourself you failed, the changes you made were never enough to help your daughters have a life free of trauma. That you failed your daughters. You made changes to keep them safe. They do not have 10 out of 10 on the ACES quiz like you do, so you are breaking the chains! They have more resiliency than you, and if that is not enough there is more. You are a warrior, and a go getter, you are smart and you do know what to do but you don’t trust yourself right now. You beat yourself up too much. You are beautiful, fat or skinny, you are beautiful. One person commented on the wedding photo that you hated yourelf in, that she loved the way you were looking at your daughters, and its true…. It was hard to see if you only see fat, but you can’t deny the love you have for them in your eyes. You love them so much, and they know it and they love YOU. YOU are rich in love. You will be a great grandmother, and you will keep going in this life trying for as long as you have. You are talented even if no one sees it now. When you sat in your room alone as a child staying home from school not pretending to be sick but you were being bullied and being called fat. You made little people out of clay and made little plays out of them, and they were amazing. You joined a theater club in junior high even though you were painfully shy and embarrassed and all the horribleness that was going on at home, you found your people. You did go to New York and worked off Broadway even if no one remembers it now, YOU know it! You have lived so many of your dreams, they are worth more than the trauma you suffered or the weight you carried. YOU are worth more. You can give that gift to someone else like you, who struggles now even though you don’t know who it is.

Right now, it is YOU are who needs to hear this. It is YOU who needs to hear from your best friend. You can’t change the past anymore. You can learn from it and let it go. When you see your beautiful granddaughter and see your daughter in her, don’t cry and remember all she suffered because of the man you choose to be her dad, and don’t think of that wife who was going through the abuse and gaining all that weight …as ugly. Think of her, as a survivor, and your granddaughter has a great Mother and Father who broke the chains of trauma, and your granddaughter has you, who loves her. What you weigh does not matter. Don’t be ashamed, realize it was not your fault. You are a survivor and you will survive this too. You have more to give. Even if no one sees and understands your trauma, and you feel alone. YOU believe in yourself, in your health and to making healthy changes and sometimes making mistakes. Just keep getting up. Don’t say you hate yourself like you told your husband yesterday. You are beautiful. Not just your face, but ALL of you! You deserve to be happy. You deserve the love you have now. Be happy in this moment. I love YOU.

Dear You:
YOU are someone. You ARE important.
Keep hiking. Keep coming out of the crevices from which you climb. You are NOT alone even though you do feel alone at times. It’s o.k. to feel alone, but try to remember it’s just and only a feeling.
It’s hardest to remember that though when hurting. Your work matters. What you are doing is epic. The seed planting, not just the bounty of blossoms in full bloom.

This is SUCH A BEAUTIFUL post. THANK YOU for leaving it for others and also so I could read it. It’s nurturing and lyrical and wonderful!!!

THANK YOU!!!! THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!!!
Cissy

“Let go of the rock, pull more tiny seeds of love, of self-kindness, of curiousness, of inspiration, of self-patience from your pockets and dust them around like glitter in the sunlight.”